Judgemental

I am really sick of being judged by people. Namely family that doesn’t see the big picture or isn’t around often.

From the Aunt that flat out called my home- to my face- ugly, to my dad and his lady making snide comments about how packed our home currently looks.

Here’s the deal. I had a baby 2 weeks ago. Babies have a TON of stuff. I still get gifts and packages and sometimes I just don’t have the time to go through it all. I live in an apartment and am not in a place where I wish to saddle myself with a mortgage right now. I actually put effort into cleaning and had help doing it- solely for the purpose of your arrival. Believe me, I would much rather have used those hours to catch up on the sleep I don’t get anymore.

I’m tired of feeling like that isn’t good enough. No, my life isn’t perfect- but it works for me. The sooner you all accept that this is how things are- the more likely it will be that I actually want to spend time with you.

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Feeling Selfish

Hey ya’ll! We’re still plugging along here.

This week I’m fighting off my tendencies to act or feel selfish. It’s not working out very well.

My shower is in a few weeks. I live very far from my own side of the family. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. They are all east coast while I am currently located in the Mid-West.

I know times are tough for everyone and I know that Minnesota in February isn’t super exciting. I knew this inviting people. I didn’t expect everyone to come. I hoped maybe a few would. So I invited 18 people that are friends and family of mine. Of that- I know for certain 10 of them said no.

Several of them have called and told me what they are sending. This in itself drives me insane. I would like to be somewhat surprised. At least as much as can be. One of my Aunts called to say she didn’t like my choices for various reasons of her own and had decided to tell my other Aunt’s and Grandma to purchase items she approved. So… yay. You basically told me I have crappy taste and I’m going to get things I won’t want. Thanks a bunch. I get that part of it is that I chose the cheaper options of the better rated items and they look at it as being nice. But when the excuse to not come is that they can’t afford it, but then turn around and buy my the $500 option of the item I chose- It’s annoying.

As far as reasons for not coming go… I accept that one Aunt is having surgery. That’s a huge deal. I also accept that my best friend opted not to come so that she could come when the baby is here and spend some time helping me. I appreciate that more than a quick weekend visit.

But then I find out what I can only assume is the “real” reason for most of them not coming and frankly- I AM PISSED.

My cousin is also pregnant. She’s due a week or two before me. Her godmom (my Dad’s girlfriend) accidentally mentioned that she ALSO had chosen the 21st. UHM…say what?!

I know for a fact that her shower was not planned until after mine. When invites were sent out there was no mention of conflicting dates. Something I had checked with Dad’s GF before. Plus she had also had me invite my cousin and her mom. This is also her second baby. She’s having another girl and her other daughter is under 3 so it’s not like she hasn’t been there, done that and bought the whole store already…..

Every no I get now is a slap in the face to me. She’s on the east coast so you can pretty much bet where everyone is actually going to be. Even my dad and his lady. Nice right?

I’m trying to focus on the positive that my hub’s side of the family will be there. I don’t know how to be not selfish and upset by all of this though.

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On a side note. I FINALLY received a call from the urologist in regards to my monster stones. They of course want me to come in. It only took them 2 weeks to call me back.

I answered a ton of questions and have to print out a huge stack of paperwork to take. While we were scheduling my appointment I couldn’t help but bang my head on the desk. After stating several times that my current due date is April 2nd and that I would only be able to go to a certain location as it’s the one my insurance is cool with AND happens to be half a block from my home…the receptionist puts me on hold to see what date she can give me. She comes back with-

5 minutes on hold..
R: I can fit you in March 31st!
Me: Uh, I’m due April 2nd. I would really rather not schedule it that soon- ya know… in case?
R: Oh.. really? oh right.. please hold!
9 minutes on hold later….
R: Okay! I can put you in with Dr so and so in the blah blah location! (a location NOT approved and one that happens to be an hours drive away..)
Me: *insert long sigh and repetition of basically everything I had already told her and explained*
R: Oh.. okay.. oh boy.ONE MINUTE!
On hold 5 minutes..
R: Okay! I can get you in with Dr H on March 3rd! If that works I can pull up times!
Me: Yes! Thank you!
R: Okay.. never mind.. I can get you in with Dr C on the second though and this is the ONLY time available….

At that point I was so frustrated I just took the appointment. Meanwhile my OB put this in as an urgent appointment. I’m glad it’s just kidney stones and not something life threatening to me or the baby! Sheeeesh!

Who wants to bring me ice cream?!

Bummed

This past weekend my family threw a huge party for my Dad’s 70th birthday.

Originally the plans were discussed over summer in hopes that I would be able to make it. We thought about doing a destination party but soon realized most people didn’t have the money or the time off work.

Instead a very nice party was planned at a fancy restaurant in his home town.

With getting pregnant and not having the easiest pregnancy my doctor was not comfortable with me flying off half way across the country at 7 months pregnant. I couldn’t go. I hate that I couldn’t go.

I feel like I’ve missed so much these past few weeks. I spent so long preparing for Christmas and the holidays and then I spent them in a medicated daze. I woke up today feeling like I’m still waiting those last few days for the holidays to roll around. It was a bit depressing. Add to that this missed party. At least one of my sisters thought to send me a picture or two.

This is surprising in and of itself. I’ve never been especially close to my siblings. They are 10 and 13 years older than me and from my Dad’s previous marriage. I’ve always been on the outside of things with them. I don’t think anyone meant it to be that way, but we didn’t grow up together or even in the same state.

Anyways..

I still can’t believe he’ll be 70 this year. It scares me sometimes that something could happen to him and I’d be so far away. I have both loving and selfish reasons for that. We’ve never been especially close but we’ve gotten better over the years. Especially after my Mom passed, it was just us two.

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I was going through some TV stuff this morning and I came across something that reminded me of a conversation we had while he was visiting this summer.

My Dad has a pretty strong accent. He was PR born but mostly raised in NY. At the time he was asking why we chose not to have a TV. I think in an effort to sway me to the dark side of owning a TV and paying for cable, he started talking about all the shows he is into. One part of our conversation was one of those moments where you have to stop, wonder about what you just heard, realize what the question REALLY was and LAUGH.

HIM: Why not have a TV, I feel bad you don’t! There are so many great things on now!

ME: We don’t really need it Poppy, and besides… cable is expensive!

HIM: Yeah, sure, but there are some great things… have you ever seen.. ahhh what’s it called?

ME: **blank stare**

HIM: Hardcore PORN!! That’s it! Have you seen Hardcore Porn?!

ME: UH… excuse me? (at this point I’m wondering if he’s lost his mind?)

HIM: You know! That show where people bring in stuff and try to porn it off…

ME: OHHHH… PAWN. Hardcore PAWN. Gotcha! Yeahhh I’ve seen it but like I said… not a huge TV gal

HIM: Of course! That’s what I said!

That’s pretty much how most of our conversations go. It can be a mixture of embarrassing questions and hilarity. I love the man, even when he is maddening. I’m super bummed I missed his party, but what can you do?!

End pity party!

When Does it Get easier?

 It’s shaping up to be a hard weekend.

In general weekends kill me. I tend to get out more physically, but I also have a lot more down time too. There are too many people home for me to do my normal things. I get out of routine which totally breaks me. Food is a constant weekend struggle. As we spend most normally eating hours on the run we eat as we can. I try so hard to be on guard with what I eat. Struggles. Sometimes I wish I had chosen a different day than Monday to weigh in. I was down 1.5 lbs today! I’m sure that will vanish over the weekend!

This weekend is also hard as Sunday is Mother’s Day. I was doing an excellent job until I went to get my hair cut this afternoon. As usual, an overly chatty stylist was gabbing away about how her daughter was ungrateful and she’d had to go out and buy these expensive steaks and was making her daughter come over and cook. I sort of listened without comment, until she asked what my plans were. I tried for a curt, “nothing”. She kept pressing me. ” Oh, you’re one of thooose daughters..”. Finally I looked her in the eye in the mirror and said, ” NO actually my mom died so I don’t have much to celebrate.” That shut her up pretty quickly. Last year I was forced to go to a family gathering with my husband’s family. In all honesty I wanted to stay home and not look at all the happy family stuff. No one gets it. They can say they do,  but they don’t. I still remember the first year. She’d been gone less than 5 months and I stopped in to buy a card for my cousin’s wedding. I was accosted by a sales woman who kept trying to shove MD stuff on me. She was getting to the point of rude and annoying when she mumbled something about me being a bad daughter. I flipped out on her explaining that my mother had died at the end of January. It’s almost sickly satisfying to see some stupid ignorant person swallow their own foot.

SO yeah, sore subject for me. I could use some support this weekend. I am trying my damnedest not to fall back on old depressing habits.

IN more weight loss related things: We walked 2 miles today and are planning an evening walk! Not much to report on food. I had egg whites, turkey bacon and fruit for breakfast, a buffalo chicken skinny sub with lettuce and banana peppers for lunch. I bought a HUGE salad for dinner wiles with mixed greens, bell peppers, broccoli, bean sprouts, and slivered almonds for dinner. That sucker weighed .85 lbs! I figure that should last me a few meals!

I’m sorry if I’ve been negative and down lately. I have so much going on right now. Between a meeting with our lawyer next week, gearing up for a cross country travel, wedding expenses, tackling pain, exercise and watching what I eat. Also I tend to be the only one who cooks,, plans meals, grocery shops  or even cleans. I just feel sort of frazzled and alone. No one is really being supportive of the weight loss. Every time I think I’m making progress with someone they turn around and make a pizza or want to make 600 calorie pasta dishes. I want to advance my exercise more but I don’t really know how or what to do. Ahhh- I hate being stressed. I want to eat when I’m stressed!

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End of the Month

Today marks the end of April! For those of you who are like me, I hope you will continue with your journey! If you are a veteran to the blogging and getting healthy world I hope you will continue to stick around to inspire us all!

Today also marks the final count down to my cousin’s wedding. She’s getting married in Rhode Island on memorial day weekend. Yeah, talk about a cost and traffic nightmare. We are travelling halfway across the country for this shin dig. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I don’t have a close relationship with my family. For majority of my life we didn’t live near anyone. I only got to enjoy day to day life with family until I was about 7. Then we moved to PA and for years no one lived within 4 hours of us. My sisters are my half sisters so I only got to see them once or twice a year until we all got older. When my cousin and her family moved closer things never really improved. In fact I can admit to being really upset about having to visit or spend summers there. I always felt like an unwanted intruder. My 2 older cousins never showed much interest in me and my younger one was about 9 years younger than me and a boy at that. Usually every summer my mom would ship me off for family time. This usually meant my Aunt would enroll us in some awful camp program. I hated these. My cousin and I are total opposites: She being thin, sporty and outgoing, me being fat, shy and more into books.The camps were a sure form of torture for me. I was clumsy and bad at sports and I didn’t know anyone.

I remember on most occasions my cousin would generally tune me out. I can look back and think to the times when she would have friends over and they would lock me out in the hallway. I soon learned not to bother my Aunt. She was one of those people who thought kids shouldn’t go out to eat with adults, or be with them instead of the other kids. I used to sit in the hallway and my book after being told I wasn’t welcome in either area. If I chose to sit somewhere in view of adults I would be questioned as to why I was being so unfriendly. This always killed me- I was the one being treated like crap. Suffice to say our relationship is more acquaintance than family. There are a LOT of underlying issues between our two sides of the family that I won’t even go into, but you get the idea.

Why am I even bothering to go to this wedding you ask? Well, sometimes it’s easier to suck it up and go along than deal with the mountain of drama that would be dropped upon me. I can suck up one day of being judged on my chosen life. Whatever.

SO back to the semi-point of this piece. We are DRIVING to the wedding. Ignoring the fact that a train or plane would be far to expensive (about $500 per person + baggage fees + a car rental) vs. renting a car. It’ll cost us about $150 for a weeks long rental + gas- it will cost about the price of ONE plane ticket. There are two bigger factors than all that.

1. My fat butt + 2. My Husband’s stent from his heart attack.

Number one is the worst for me. I am always terrified I will be asked to pay extra or be treated badly. This stems from the last flight I ever took. I was flying to FL to visit Hubster. Because I lived in a small area I had to take a puddle jumper to Philly airport. I had NEVER had any issues before. I flew all the time. I passed through security with ease and figured I was smooth sailing. The plane they put us on was even smaller than normal though. It was the type that the row I was in, 2nd, was faced by the front row. I got in settled into my seat and buckled up.  There were much larger people than me on the flight. For some reason the flight attendant singled me out right away. She came over and loudly asked if I wanted me extender. I replied that I was fine and did not need one. The belt was a big snug but nothing that would warrant needing another. I figured that was the end of it and returned to the book I had. She moved on. After she finished handing out the extenders she walked up to the front and asked everyone to raise their arms so she could perform a seatbelt check. I had never seen anyone do this in the 20 + years I had flown. I complied. She stopped my me and announced that I needed to life my shirt. She said my gut was obscuring her view. I was mortified and said there was absolutely NO way I was lifting my shirt in front of a plane full of people. She told me I would be removed and the flight would not leave until I did so. I inched my shirt up enough to show her I was properly clicked in. I had NO issues here so why was she making one. She marvelled about how she was sure I had been lying about being able to fit. I just remember everyone staring at me. The older gentleman next to me patted my hand and told me “kindly” that perhaps I should consider not eating so much.

That was the last flight I’ve ever taken- aside from the flight home of course.

he second issue is purely hubby. He has a card for his stent but with all the elevated security and his young age people are usually suspicious that it is real. STUPID ignorant people. So we don’t fly.

This whole wedding thing stresses me out. Aside from travel we are staying at the only hotel that didn’t cost over $200 a night when we have to stay 2 nights. I bought 2 dresses for this thing and now I am worried neither will work!

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The navy dress is from Kiyonna. I got it at an adorable plus sized boutique here in Saint Paul! It’s a 14/16 sweetheart neck wrap dress. I’ve never worn a wrap dress before and am a little scared I might go busting out of it! The coral dress is hard to see but it’s lace overlay. with a keyhole back. I fell in LOVE with this dress. It had a total retro vibe to it. It’s a 14/16 and is actually a little big. The next side down was too snug in my chest though! I got this at Dress Barn. Then I found out the wedding is Formal attire. *bangs head on desk* I figured I would take both dresses. I have cute silver wedge sandals that work with both. My MIL is going to lend me her pearls. DO you think these 2 dresses would work?! Are they okay enough for a formal event?!

Also I have been trying to find something fun to do with my hair that works for either dress. One of the issues I’ve had is that my hair has always been super fine. I’m recovering from a bad haircut to make matters worse. A simple trim ended up with over 4 inches cut off! I bought hot rollers and they would not even stay in my hair! UGH! I’ve been toying with different ideas. Any ideas from readers would be.. great. My hair is just slightly past my shoulders mostly straight but the ends get wavy.

Oh- to keep with the whole “weight loss” theme. Those dresses I mentioned? Smallest size since I graduated high school. Last year I was wearing size 24! So take that, fat body!

More on actual daily life later!