Body Image

When I was young I never really paid a much attention to my “shape”. I knew I was bigger but it didn’t stress me out.

I realized pregnancy was a huge help to me and my confidence. As I got older my confidence has oddly waned. 2 weeks post pregnancy and I love my body again!

In 2 weeks I have lost 35 lbs. And the thing is- I’m not trying to. I’m just being me!

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37 weeks- the day before delivery

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1 week post partum

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Little Miss and Me today! She gets to meet her Papa tonight for the first time!

I feel so comfortable in my skin now, for the first time in years. It’s a work in progress. I’m 10lbs from my pre baby, miscarriages and stuff 2 years ago.

In other news… this kid. Lawd.

Let me give you an example of how my nights go…

Hubs fed, changed and held her till 12:00- She refuses to be put down.
12:30 she was up again with the toots and screams. 1am we had a HUGE poopy diaper. Like..Holy crap. She had pooped SO much that it was full on blow out- from and back. I wasn’t expecting this so when I pulled off her diaper she immediately stuck her feet in her poop and started squishing her toes. Oh god.

If you’ve seen Pitch Perfect….
Puke_angel

Mhmmm. Gross.

We managed to get cleaned up and about a half hour later she was comfortably in her bassinet again when I hear a gag and BOOM- baby puke! THis was actually the second time of the night for a spit up monster of epic proportions.

My poor baby and her tummy. She has been so fussy and gassy lately. This was clearly the final countdown last night.

I’m totally open to suggestions here. She isn’t over eating or even cluster feeding anymore. She’s on a sensitive tummy forumla supplement and breast milk. Poor baby fusses alllllll night and a good portion of the day.

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What I Learned From my Birth Experience

A lot y’all. I was woefully unprepared despite all the videos, education and reading.

1. Despite feeling knowledgeable on induction methods- we used 2 that weren’t even on the popular list of ones I expected. One had little effect while the other sent me spiralling out of control, and fast.

2. I was NOT prepared for the pain. Everyone says kidney stones are worse than child labor. They LIE. I’ve passed stones as big as 10mil and would gladly have done that again in a heartbeat. Oddly enough the actual pushing part- while exhausting and for me, stressful- was not bad. It was the never ending contractions 45 seconds apart lasting 1+ minutes that got to me. I’ve always had a higher pain tolerance but yikes.

3. Your pain meds may not work with the type of pain you have. I ended up getting an epidural. Ya know what? It didn’t do squat. In fact, for me, it took away my mobility to move around and help myself while leaving me feeling every ounce of pain I had before that. It was so bad at some points that the Dr came back to make sure it had works. It had- just not with the type of pain I had. They gave me other pain meds to help. They didn’t but at that point I was so upset I didn’t even know how to say NO- Stop.

4. Not all nurses are created equally. When I first arrived, I had a lovely nurse. She was sweet, funny and attentive. She spent more time in my room than she should have just chatting and sharing stories. Of course when the “fun” began I ended up with nurse ratchet. She was awful. I had HORRIBLE pain. Pain that had me throwing up and she insisted that I wasn’t even in labor.

5. Sometimes the stages of labor go faster than the medical staff predicts. After multiple attempts to get help from the evil nurse I was FINALLY listened to. This was a few short hours after they had inserted a different induction method. This method was to be left in for upwards of 12 hours. She had planned to insert it and then not check me until the morning. Low and behold a mere 4 hours later, despite her protests, I actually WAS in labor and found out i SHOULD have been pushing.

6. Pain turns me into a ninny. I’m a little ashamed about that and I do feel it puts a dark shadow over what should have been an awesome event. I was so upset by the end stages. Between failed pain relief, vomiting and being ignored by my nurse- I was over it. SO when I was laying in a stupor of pain and unwanted drugs I overheard the medical staff suddenly stating that baby and I were both in distress (all the while NOT telling myself or my husband) I was panicky. They even began preping me right then and there for a c-section. I was totally unprepared when instead they insisted I push because “Oh wow, you’re at 10 cm! how did that happen?!”. I didn’t handle the back and forth transition well and no one asked me what I wanted or needed.

7. The Dr may not actually be in the room. (Sorry in advance..but…) This particular revelation MIND FUCKED me. In everything you read- the doctor is there, there is a staff of many people in and out of your room and they tell you when to push and not push if you need help. Not in my case. I vaguely remember the doctor coming in, stating that because I was already dilated they were going to have me try pushing and she expected to be called back soon. Wait, what?! She left and it was just hubs, a nurse and me. She kept telling me to get mad and focus my breathing. All that did was make me obstinate. I didn’t want to hear what she was telling me. I wanted to know why one minute I was an urgent case and the next I was left in the hands of one person. I was pissed to say the least. I’m also asthmatic. Stress and upset set me off and I had a hard time catching my breath. They kept reminding me to breathe and then at the same time telling me to hold my breath. When you are hopped up on too many not working pain meds, stress and confusion it’s a LOT to take in. I was begging for help and everyone just kept repeating the same things and ignoring my distress. When the nurse told me I had to stop being selfish and that this wasn’t about me- it was about my baby- I really wanted to punch her in the face. When I finally demanded to see a dr things ACTUALLY got going and fast.

8. The “Ring of Fire” is real. But it isn’t as bad as I heard. On the same token- my recovery hasn’t been earth shatteringly awful like I read. Yes I bled, Yes I hurt- but I was up and moving a few hours later! Speaking of which…

9. You may faint. Ever heard of gravitational flow? Neither had I. Imagine you are bleeding but haven’t stood up for hours. They finally get you up and let you try to use the bathroom. While you are sitting there waiting for your bladder to kick in you hear a distinct “running water” sound. Except, you aren’t peeing yet and there is no water running. That happened. I remember listening to the sound and wondering what the heck was going on. Then I went deaf. As in all sounds started to dull and I sounded like my head was under water. My vision started to dim. I managed to grab the pull chord as I slipped into la la land. I remember vaguely hearing a nurse on the call button asking if everything was ok and “how are you feeling”. In a super distorted voice I said something was wrong. From my hub’s point of view (he was outside in the waiting area calling his dad), an alarm went off, nurses went running and he jokingly asked, “that’s not for room 470 is it?”. It was. Nurses came flooding in as I was sitting on the pot. I remember something about smelling salts, being told to breath and telling them over and over I was deaf. It was like listening to a conversation underwater. I was okay in the end but I remember as they hoisted me into a wheelchair that the bathroom looked like a crime scene. Holy shit.

Also.. to give en example of what I felt like I was hearing at the time…

(if this doesn’t work- search Jo Koy rupees)

10. You will have an adorable bundle that you have NO idea what to do with. It’s worth it.

Don’t stress- Easier Said Than Done!

Sorry I just cracked myself up!

The last few days have been… a doozy.

Hubs is still in mega pain with his back. He popped a rib out and it still isn’t feeling better a week later. Poor guy has to sleep on the couch. Ugh..

2 nights ago while arranging the mountain of pillows on our bed I noticed one was VERY cold and damp feeling. As I tend to think very cold things feel damp, I let it go. But it bugged me. The wall and back on my bed felt damp too. We may have seepage coming in through our wall. I don’t even want to imagine what that will entail to deal with. Frankly I can’t even right now!

Yesterday I went in for my normal weekly prenatal appointments. First our normally upbeat Ultrasound Tech made her first notice that I might have TOO MUCH fluid around baby. She reminded me this could be bad so naturally my stress began to build. In the end she remeasured and it was fine- albeit on the higher side of the spectrum. I followed up the ultrasound with an OB appointment. This was pretty much where things went downhill and fast!

I mentioned to the nurse that I had gained 10lbs in a week. 10lbs y’all. OMFG

I was concerned because during the entirety of this pregnancy I have gained VERY little to no weight and in 1.5 months I had topped out at over 25lbs heavier. I had also begun to notice that I was having carpel tunnel issues in both hands, minor swelling in my hands and feet and that I was having nausea/vomiting issues. I knew the gaining had to be water weight because I was eating the same diet style as chosen by my dietitian and probably LESS than normal. By blood sugars were low as heck. My fasting number yesterday was only 58. I didn’t take insulin all day and never topped 115 if that goes to show you how off my body is! She wanted to let me relax for a few minutes. Don’t stress, she would be back shortly!

stress

Dr G poked around, asked tons of questions and then dropped the bomb on me. She wanted to send me to the hospital. She was concerned for me. My BP- which is irregular at best, was high. Very High for me. 146/104. Eeek. So I toddled out and off to Labor and Delivery I went.

For whatever reason I am generally an upbeat person in sucky medical situations. I assume this has to do with growing up in a family that spent a lot of time in and around hospitals. Laughter can be the best medicine I guess. As pessimistic as I can sound on here- I’ve been told in a hospital setting that they wish they had more upbeat patients. So strange. So I did what I always do and kept up an upbeat chatty conversation as the poked, prodded, tested and exposed my body.

I ended up having an on call Dr that I was familiar with, thank goodness. I had seen her during the kidney stone ordeal.

After a few hours of waiting my results came back. While LO’s heartbeat was a little on the high side, she was active and seemed perfectly fine. I on the other hand am now showing signs of preeclampsia. YUCK. After a lot of medical jargon the Dr was *insistent* that I follow up with my Dr on Monday. Not Tuesday when I had a previously scheduled appointment. It HAD to be Monday. Uhm, okay..

She then dropped the bomb of bombs. She said, as I would be 37 solid weeks next week, that Dr G needed to take Monday to plan my birth and induction and that I should plan to be delivering next Thursday or Friday.

*Cue total and utter shut down of my brain*

That’s sooner than I had planned. By a few weeks. Of course my body would go and make something insane happen. They cautioned me not to get stressed. They put my on modified best rest until LO is here.

Don’t stress? Really? I am a worrier by nature and then you lump all of the past week and upcoming week on me at once? Good luck.

In the end I insisted I had a few errands to run as my last week as a non mama. We also took the time to splurge and had a wonderful (and expensive) last hoorah dinner. I enjoyed ALL the foods just once- because gosh darnit, I NEEDED it.

We will see what Dr G says next week. I’ll keep y’all posted!

What Not to Do & Say to a Pregnant Lady

I’ve been around a lot of pregnant ladies in my life. Honestly, until I became one myself I never realize all the annoying things I did and said. Maybe it’s just me and I’m more conscious of it now, who knows?

1. Don’t Touch: People LOVE to touch a baby belly. Frankly, I find it weird. You wouldn’t just want up and touch me on the street if I was any other person. Granted there are some ladies that don’t care- but to be safe, always ask! I know myself, I don’t dig touchy feely. Luckily only 2 or 3 people have touched the belly besides Hubs. Mostly I’ve just sort of grimaced around the awkward moment. Especially when you are a plus sized pregnant lady. Sometimes our bellies form strangely or don’t show soon- your poking my muffin top does not help.

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2. Don’t comment in size: One of my biggest fears was becoming an even bigger blob. I mean, sure, I would do anything to make the kiddo happy, but..ya know. I’m a big girl. I was worried people would comment on my already big size. Instead I find the opposite happens. For a long time people would look at me, make comments on “how small” I am. No one really believed I was as far along as I was. I’ve popped enough now, but for a while it was frustrating to be compared to other people!

3. Due Dates: This is almost a continuation of the above. People are always asking when I am due. Usually when I give them a date they exclaim, “Oh! You’ve got a long time!”. Actually it’s just under a month. Not all that long, considering. But Really, we don’t want to hear your thoughts on how much more time we get to struggle and wear a fat suit. No matter how early or late in the pregnancy we are. Zip it. In the beginning of pregnancy I hated hearing “Just wait till you are further along! You’re so early…” or “Oh, you look miserable! But you still have x amount of time”. Thanks.

4. Unsolicited advice: I get that everyone things they know better, but unless I ask or we are holding an open dialog about it- keep your opinions to yourself.

We finished the nursery this weekend. Or at least 95% of it. There are some storage issues that I will surely tweak a million times between now and then. Hubs moved my recliner into the room yesterday. I’m fairly certain I spent several hours sitting in her room napping, sorting and just hanging out. I feel a huge sense of relief that should I go into early labor, she would have a place to come home to. I can not wait until it’s warmer out too. Hubs plans to move the last remainder of his tools out of the closet space when it get’s nicer. Please, please get nicer soon! I would VERY much like to have more baby storing space. It’s pretty much a necessity at this point.

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5 Years

5 years since my Mom passed away.

Well, January 27th marked that date.

In 5 years… she has missed:

My engagement
My wedding
My 2 moves across the country
2 of my own miscarriages
The birth of my nephew
My own pregnancy thus far
Poppy’s 70th birthday

She’s missed so much and there is still so much life to live. I’m having a hard time not having my mom around for this baby. I want to talk to her about all the things. In reality I don’t have many people to talk to about all the things I’ve experienced. My Hubs is great but he’s a man and is probably tired of hearing about it all. My best friend is scarred for life from all my talking and she probably will never have kids because of me. Oooops. I haven’t heard from my own sisters since I shared our news. Well, that’s somewhat incorrect. Normally my middle sister and I are close. I haven’t heard from her except a text message that said, “Yay”. My oldest sister has been moderately better. She was interested in knowing the gender and tends to keep up with things via my dad. It’s somewhat depressing. For their firsts I was really excited and wanted to be a part of it all. As they each had their seconds it was harder because we were in different states or areas of the country, but I still checked in and sent presents. Heck, I STILL send presents and cards. Oh well…. Crazy hormone dreams don’t help. I’ve had several that Mom was still here and I always wake up feeling sad. We are giving little one a variation of Mom’s name for her middle name.

My family is oddly rude about this fact. We chose this particular name 2 years ago when we were first trying to have a baby. 4 months ago my cousin gave birth to a baby girl and chose a VERY similar name because she “thought it was cool”. Now everyone is accusing us of copying. It’s frustrating.When I told my Mom’s Mom her response was, “Oh….well…Okay..but…isn’t that the name your cousin already used?”. Grrr. She chose the name AFTER but had the fortune of not having 2 losses like we did. We chose our girl’s name for very specific reasons. Her first name is a tribute to how Hubs and I met. It’s a variation of a name that means a lot to both of us. We changed it a bit as some people have a religious view on the full name. Her middle name will be Ann- a tribute to my mom, Ann-Marie. I don’t see why people don’t get that.

I miss my mom this week a lot. Next week will mark when she was buried. I’m glad we have a somewhat busy weekend and busy next week to keep my mind occupied.

We all do the best we can and take one day at a time

I’ve got so much going on these next couple of weeks it’s a small blessing. Hopefully I can entice Hubs to help get the nursery more complete this weekend!! There is a lot of random things on the floor that was emptied from out desks during the move- that needs sorting. Half of the closet needs to be cleared out for her things as well. I’m letting hubs keep part of the closet until she’s a bit older. Of course- cleaning out half means that my extra pantry space needs to be relocated. That’s a bit of a pain as most of our space is being used already. This means we have to go into the front closet and so some mega reorganizing. Oh goodness gracious. Let’s see how this all works out. You can all laugh when I am pulling out my hair!!!!

My shower is in 3 weeks! That leaves me with 3 weekends to get this stuff done so that when I come home I don’t have to leave all the things in our living room. Well that and I’ll only be 3-5 weeks from delivering soooo I am SURE I will NOT want to be reorganizing the closets and space!

Until next time darlings!

My body is..

TIRED.

I feel Day 5 of the Shred in all of my body. Nothing hurts per say, but my whole body is weary.

I only had to stop longer than 5 seconds once this time around. I’m so bloody tired. I woke up this morning and I was like “forget this, I don’t wanna”. But, I did it.

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I took a picture when I started this. It’s only day 5 but I can see a difference in the shape of my stomach. There are little shadows that look like.. indents? Like my fat is shrinking in? Maybe,…please?

Also I saw a number on the scale this morning. I shrieked. I don’t want to share it unless it’s the same next Monday. Wouldn’t that be a kicker?

Are any of y’all doing the 30 Day Shred this month? If you are you should check in here! I’d love to know I’m not alone! Or go visit Grace and check in! Beyond the fact that Grace rocks, she too is doing the Shred. She has us checking in daily as we go along. Great support system!

Now I’m going to Zumba! Will post some meal stuff laters!

A Day in my life: Take 1

Two posts in one day! *gasp*

I wanted to give a little view of the small changes I have been doing for the past several weeks!

Before I really started remaking myself this was a snippet of my day:

Wake up>

Either skip breakfast or eat a huge fatty bacon, egg and cheese omelette>

watch tv>

Make lunch(sodium filled soup)>

watch more TV or sign into Second Life>

Maybe clean a bit>

Make dinner ( hamburger helper or something equally gross (usually double or triple what i should have been eating)>

read in bed>

make a high fat/carb late-night snack>

take a sleeping pill.

As you can see it was pretty pathetic. I didn’t even include my endless trips to the kitchen to stare blankly at a full fridge that i swore had NOTHING to eat. Nothing easy or fatty that is. I was having a LOT of issues with bloat, breakouts and my hair started to thin. While I didn’t stop doing personal hygiene I did stretch my days out. If I showered I didn’t worry about anything beyond putting on a new pair of pajama bottoms. I wasn’t going anywhere so who cared? This had to stop.

This is a day now. As you can see I have a lot of work to do. It’s a slow process. Slowed down even more b y injuries or aggravating injuries from my teen years. I spent a lot of time reading the blogs or sites of people like me. I saw them change and it helped. I learned about minimizing injuries and apps/sites/videos/forums that could help me stay focused. Admittedly I am someone who tends to fail when I don’t see immediate results. I have to break out of this cycle. Anyway.. my day! Here is an example of my day.

Wake Up & meal plan for the day!

Weigh in or Measurement Time!

Eat Breakfast (I’ll list some of my options below!)

Walk 1 Mile- It’s slow but I’m getting there!

Drink Protein Shake (Will share some ideas I use in another post!)

Pick one room or space a day to clean. Usually the kitchen- my domain!

Zumba- or strength train depending on the day

Lunch! (Ideas below!.. you get the drill)

Shower- I don’t work out of home so I can decide. I like to get all or most of my workout done first!

Chill time. Work on my other blog, check my second life store. TV time?

Dinner prep and cook in time for Hubby to get home!

Chatty time- This is where i overload my husband with thing’s I’ve done, seen or need. Run man run!

Fruity Snack attack!

Read & Bed

You can see some differences now I hope! I try to get off my booty a lot more than before- sometimes more than listed. Even when I’m watching TV (hey I need to have some fun time!) I try to march or dance in place. Sometimes I add leg lifts, resistance bands or crunches to TV time. This has been my style for the past few weeks now. A major improvement from either no movement except to walk towards food or wanting to shoot myself after 5 minutes of Zumba.

When I wake up I like to get a basic idea of what I plan to eat that day. I use MyfitnessPal.com and Loseit.com to track my calories and nutritional intake. If you want to follow along both are under Jcanaday86! I have both apps on my phone so I have constant on the go stats.I can’t fail because I don’t have the “I don’t know” excuse any more. I do find lose it a LOT easier to use, but MyFitnessPal has a lot more foods listed and more in-depth information like nutrients taken in>daily values> what you have left. I keep a pedometer on my phone which I usually keep in hand or in pocket to track my steps for the day.

The pedometer is NOT my friend. I walk and walk- heck I dance, skip,job,march, whatever and sometimes I swear I’m not getting anywhere. I’m not even close to the goal of 10,000 steps a day they say you should have. I blame this mostly on the small space I live in, the fact that I only get to leave on weekends and the insane weather here. I would LOVE to walk outside but just yesterday we had 5 inches of snow. It’s not safe out there. They say if you want it bad enough you will do anything? Clearly they never tried walking in sleet and blizzard conditions. I am improving though! Today I actually remembered to wear my pedometer for about 75% of my movement time! I also saw an increase of about 9% in my steps per mile!

Okay so a day in my food. I should have taken pictures of these but I forgot. Sorry! I will get better at this!

This is an example of my meals today. I will total basic calories at the end. I don’t eat the same thing every day obviously- I plan to include links, pictures and recipes as time goes on so this won’t be more than a basic outline of today!

Breakfast:  Scrambled egg whites with spinach and a smidge of garlic lime salsa + Ezekial Bread with Apple butter and peanut butter + One medium banana + Decaf hot tea = 257 cal

Protein Snack: EAS 100% Whey Protein Vanilla + One cup 2% Milk + less than one teaspoon of Swiss Miss cocoa powder and almond extract 290 cal

Lunch: Spinach salad + steamed chicken breast with Cayenne pepper + Sweet pepper strips + Variation of my go to dressing (I will share a few I make sometime!- I’m still adapting them) 269 cal (give or take as I only used 3/4 of the dressing I’d figured on)

Dinner: Baked “blackened” catfish + Steamed mixed veggies + 1 servig of sweet potato fries (splurge. eek!) 222 cal

Planned snack for this evening: Sugar free peach Jello with fresh blueberries about 60 cal

Total for today: 1098 calories. I’m allotted 1780 from Loseit and MyFitnessPal currently which drops as I improve. I set myself at a realistic 1 lb a week loss. I have a lot of improvements to make and I’m still learning to play around with what keeps me fullest longest.

I am currently under my Fat,  cholesterol, sodium, and carbs by half or more! My good fats are in a happy place and the kicker is my sodium is less than 40% of the recommended daily intake for women. I avoid salt at all costs but quite often it is hidden. I mean heck it’s even in my fresh sweet peppers. You do what you can.

The work continues.

PS. Weigh in today was 245 lbs. That’s another 5 shaved off! woohoo