Body Image

When I was young I never really paid a much attention to my “shape”. I knew I was bigger but it didn’t stress me out.

I realized pregnancy was a huge help to me and my confidence. As I got older my confidence has oddly waned. 2 weeks post pregnancy and I love my body again!

In 2 weeks I have lost 35 lbs. And the thing is- I’m not trying to. I’m just being me!


37 weeks- the day before delivery


1 week post partum


Little Miss and Me today! She gets to meet her Papa tonight for the first time!

I feel so comfortable in my skin now, for the first time in years. It’s a work in progress. I’m 10lbs from my pre baby, miscarriages and stuff 2 years ago.

In other news… this kid. Lawd.

Let me give you an example of how my nights go…

Hubs fed, changed and held her till 12:00- She refuses to be put down.
12:30 she was up again with the toots and screams. 1am we had a HUGE poopy diaper. Like..Holy crap. She had pooped SO much that it was full on blow out- from and back. I wasn’t expecting this so when I pulled off her diaper she immediately stuck her feet in her poop and started squishing her toes. Oh god.

If you’ve seen Pitch Perfect….

Mhmmm. Gross.

We managed to get cleaned up and about a half hour later she was comfortably in her bassinet again when I hear a gag and BOOM- baby puke! THis was actually the second time of the night for a spit up monster of epic proportions.

My poor baby and her tummy. She has been so fussy and gassy lately. This was clearly the final countdown last night.

I’m totally open to suggestions here. She isn’t over eating or even cluster feeding anymore. She’s on a sensitive tummy forumla supplement and breast milk. Poor baby fusses alllllll night and a good portion of the day.


What I Learned From my Birth Experience

A lot y’all. I was woefully unprepared despite all the videos, education and reading.

1. Despite feeling knowledgeable on induction methods- we used 2 that weren’t even on the popular list of ones I expected. One had little effect while the other sent me spiralling out of control, and fast.

2. I was NOT prepared for the pain. Everyone says kidney stones are worse than child labor. They LIE. I’ve passed stones as big as 10mil and would gladly have done that again in a heartbeat. Oddly enough the actual pushing part- while exhausting and for me, stressful- was not bad. It was the never ending contractions 45 seconds apart lasting 1+ minutes that got to me. I’ve always had a higher pain tolerance but yikes.

3. Your pain meds may not work with the type of pain you have. I ended up getting an epidural. Ya know what? It didn’t do squat. In fact, for me, it took away my mobility to move around and help myself while leaving me feeling every ounce of pain I had before that. It was so bad at some points that the Dr came back to make sure it had works. It had- just not with the type of pain I had. They gave me other pain meds to help. They didn’t but at that point I was so upset I didn’t even know how to say NO- Stop.

4. Not all nurses are created equally. When I first arrived, I had a lovely nurse. She was sweet, funny and attentive. She spent more time in my room than she should have just chatting and sharing stories. Of course when the “fun” began I ended up with nurse ratchet. She was awful. I had HORRIBLE pain. Pain that had me throwing up and she insisted that I wasn’t even in labor.

5. Sometimes the stages of labor go faster than the medical staff predicts. After multiple attempts to get help from the evil nurse I was FINALLY listened to. This was a few short hours after they had inserted a different induction method. This method was to be left in for upwards of 12 hours. She had planned to insert it and then not check me until the morning. Low and behold a mere 4 hours later, despite her protests, I actually WAS in labor and found out i SHOULD have been pushing.

6. Pain turns me into a ninny. I’m a little ashamed about that and I do feel it puts a dark shadow over what should have been an awesome event. I was so upset by the end stages. Between failed pain relief, vomiting and being ignored by my nurse- I was over it. SO when I was laying in a stupor of pain and unwanted drugs I overheard the medical staff suddenly stating that baby and I were both in distress (all the while NOT telling myself or my husband) I was panicky. They even began preping me right then and there for a c-section. I was totally unprepared when instead they insisted I push because “Oh wow, you’re at 10 cm! how did that happen?!”. I didn’t handle the back and forth transition well and no one asked me what I wanted or needed.

7. The Dr may not actually be in the room. (Sorry in advance..but…) This particular revelation MIND FUCKED me. In everything you read- the doctor is there, there is a staff of many people in and out of your room and they tell you when to push and not push if you need help. Not in my case. I vaguely remember the doctor coming in, stating that because I was already dilated they were going to have me try pushing and she expected to be called back soon. Wait, what?! She left and it was just hubs, a nurse and me. She kept telling me to get mad and focus my breathing. All that did was make me obstinate. I didn’t want to hear what she was telling me. I wanted to know why one minute I was an urgent case and the next I was left in the hands of one person. I was pissed to say the least. I’m also asthmatic. Stress and upset set me off and I had a hard time catching my breath. They kept reminding me to breathe and then at the same time telling me to hold my breath. When you are hopped up on too many not working pain meds, stress and confusion it’s a LOT to take in. I was begging for help and everyone just kept repeating the same things and ignoring my distress. When the nurse told me I had to stop being selfish and that this wasn’t about me- it was about my baby- I really wanted to punch her in the face. When I finally demanded to see a dr things ACTUALLY got going and fast.

8. The “Ring of Fire” is real. But it isn’t as bad as I heard. On the same token- my recovery hasn’t been earth shatteringly awful like I read. Yes I bled, Yes I hurt- but I was up and moving a few hours later! Speaking of which…

9. You may faint. Ever heard of gravitational flow? Neither had I. Imagine you are bleeding but haven’t stood up for hours. They finally get you up and let you try to use the bathroom. While you are sitting there waiting for your bladder to kick in you hear a distinct “running water” sound. Except, you aren’t peeing yet and there is no water running. That happened. I remember listening to the sound and wondering what the heck was going on. Then I went deaf. As in all sounds started to dull and I sounded like my head was under water. My vision started to dim. I managed to grab the pull chord as I slipped into la la land. I remember vaguely hearing a nurse on the call button asking if everything was ok and “how are you feeling”. In a super distorted voice I said something was wrong. From my hub’s point of view (he was outside in the waiting area calling his dad), an alarm went off, nurses went running and he jokingly asked, “that’s not for room 470 is it?”. It was. Nurses came flooding in as I was sitting on the pot. I remember something about smelling salts, being told to breath and telling them over and over I was deaf. It was like listening to a conversation underwater. I was okay in the end but I remember as they hoisted me into a wheelchair that the bathroom looked like a crime scene. Holy shit.

Also.. to give en example of what I felt like I was hearing at the time…

(if this doesn’t work- search Jo Koy rupees)

10. You will have an adorable bundle that you have NO idea what to do with. It’s worth it.

Hell-o Hormones

Ya’ll, today was NOT my best day. I am clearly having a crazy pregnant lady day.

I started off trying to find a facial cream. I had been using this cream for a while- it was for ladies going through skin chances. It was AMAZING. I have pretty sensitive skin, so finding something that doesn’t make me break out OR have an allergic reaction is hard. Then they discontinued it! I bought all they had on the sales rack a year ago and I finally just ran out. I started off at Target. Target has everything, right? Wrong.

While at Target I also stopped by the maternity section. I was pretty let down. Not only did the maternity section at this Target have barely anything, nothing was over a size medium. What?! They no longer even have a ‘Womens’ section. It’s currently the clearance hell. I found one wrack with a few tents .. erm.. I mean Plus Sized Blouses. As I was standing there muttering to myself this older woman walks over. Figuring she was trying to get by I walked to the other side of the rack. She clears her throat and says, “Target really doesn’t cater to people… you know.. your size. Extended needs.” EXCUSE me?! I glanced around and sure enough she was talking to me. I muttered something about them also not catering to us women that are expecting. A growing baby bump requires more room than a size medium. She tittered nervously and I stormed away feeling awful.

We left the store and continued my quest for a face cream. Figuring Ulta caters to beauty I tried there, plus it’s right next to Motherhood Maternity. Another let down at Ulta and hubs was getting flustered by all the sales ladies that kept asking him if he needed help. Finally I turned around, stated he was with me and as we were both clearly adults we would ASK if we needed help. Time to leave that place! We walked next door to Motherhood Maternity. Why am I looking right now?

1. I’m a bigger girl. I already know finding normal clothing can be a hassle, finding me sized pregnant lady clothing would be worse.
2. It was right next door
3. This morning my mid range jeans felt like a corset and my larger jeans that previously needed a belt were snug.

So into motherhood maternity we went. There was some REALLY cute stuff here. But, alas, I quickly realized that the Plus sized section was hidden in a back dimly lit corner. There was exactly 2 blouses, 2 tshirts, 1 pair of mom jeans, a HORIZONTAL striped dress and a handful of lounge pants. Uhm… Okay? WTF? Am I supposed to wear the same shirt and creepy wide leg jeans for the remaining months? I stood there and started exclaiming that clearly this was the wall of shame. I’m not expecting to be a fashion goddess but COME ON! I live in Minnesota for pity’s sake. Thing PJ pants and a tshirt are not going to cut it. They didn’t even carry jackets over a size Large.

I’m feeling like a bundle of crazy lady nerves. Helllllpppp

Where I’ve been

Hey ya’ll!

I won’t claim to be back. I don’t ‘feel back’, but I did decide update on where I’ve been.

I am proud to say I survived the holidays with no weight gain. I figure that’s a miracle in itself. Christmas Eve went off without a hitch and I realized, despite the counters loaded with home made cookies, that I wasn’t focused on what/how much I could eat next of something. I wasn’t hungry and spent more time setting things up, picking up and talking than thinking about food.

I get especially anxious when gatherings come around. As a tween I remember my mom always in my ear telling me to stop eating or reminding me on the hour+ drives not to over eat. I know she was only trying to help. In hindsight though I realize that my ravenous hunger wasn’t truly my fault. In most cases We’d travel a few hours. This meant we’d get up in the morning, get dressed and get on the road. Sometimes there would be breakfast, sometimes not. Usually by the time we got to our destination it was mid afternoon and I had not eaten AT ALL. Of course I was going to be hungry and fall like a rabid animal onto the plate of cheese and crackers.

So, when I made it through everything, I was pretty proud. We ended up being a lazy duo on Christmas day just opening gifts and playing with our new things. I got a really cute purse and lots of kitchen things I’ve been wanting. And a new vacuum from the MIL- THANK GOODNESS. The one we had before died about 10 seconds after it’s first use. New Years was much of the same.

Somehow I made it out of the Holiday darkness unscathed. It was a busy time and just from store runs and doing things around the house I was getting in my 10,000 steps on a daily basis.

Because I was so busy, I failed to notice something pretty important until the day after Christmas. I was pregnant. OOPS. I guess I should have suspected as I, the person who never sleeps, was falling asleep before 8pm most nights (among other things.) I say “was”, because as my body is want to do, we lost that baby too a little less than 2 weeks ago.

So that’s my major excuses for not blogging. I haven’t really been keeping my healthy eating plan up or really exercising regularly. I really just don’t care at the moment. I’ll be back and do it again when I’m mentally ready, right now I’m just not ready to commit or deal. It’s a slow process.

I’m trying to start a teeny bit again today- steal cut oats and cranberries as I type this! But I don’t want to commit to something when I’m in such a mood. I do plan on sharing some stories about my past struggles, things you all may or may not relate with. I hope you’ll still come around. Best of luck on your own journey!

Bouncing Back

Yesterday was hard for me. SO many things went wrong that I could have easily reverted to my old ways and saw it as a sign to quit. I didn’t though. I had to take a deep breath and realize I am not perfect. It’s hard to have a bad day.I also have to realize that when i totally limit myself I set myself up for failure. I feel like even though I took a step in the wrong direction I did a few things right.

I didn’t let myself go overboard: I was able to enjoy something I really wanted. I did so by removing unnecessary things and eating less of it!

Today was great. We started out with a yummy breakfast I mentioned in my last post. We had some errands to run and it was so pretty outside. One of the hardest times for me is the weekend. My husband works 10 hour days during the week so we don’t really get to do much on weeknights because he is usually dead on his feet by the time he comes home… 10 hours on your feet working machines ALL day plus a 45 minute drive to and from work- ick! Weekends mean we get everything done: groceries, errands, fun time, whatever.

We had driven out into the tiny town my MIL works in so there were not a lot of options for lunch ideas. We knew we were headed to do some grocery shopping and that we had to have lunch before hand. It’s so hard to find something affordable and healthy sometimes. Especially when you are in a small town with nothing more than fast food and coffee shops. We found a place that made sandwiches. I hate places like this because I tend to go a little insane when asking for what I want. Their selection was pretty small and I was getting a little panicky. Luckily My Fitness Pal had this place listed- it was this or McAtery Clogger’s. The people here were pretty good and humored my requests. They had a shaved turkey sub with lettuce, cucumber slices, avocado, prevalone, tomatoes and Mayo. It was pretty much the only thing that did not include breading, frying, bacon or just something I wouldn’t even want to eat. I asked to have the Mayo, tomatoes (ewwww, i hates) and cheese removed. They put the avocado on the inside of the meat and added tons of lettuce for me. I was able to hollow out the bread. . When I was done nit picking and torturing it to death it was only 140 cal. I’d reduced the sodium by about 3/4. I could deal with that! Even still, I only ate about half- I was totally full. I notice that my appetite is slowly starting to shrink! Wee!

By the time we finished running all over and grabbing some goodies I was raring to go again! Hubby decided to take me to the Science Museum of Minnesota! I was a little more spendy than I wanted but it turned out the be a lot of fun. We visited 3 levels full of fun play things and Dino Bones! It’s totally hands on which I found really cool. We were good people and used the stairs a lot. My legs are going to kill me tomorrow!

On the way home we passed by this super huge version of our tiny grocery store. We decided to stop in and I ended up finding an awesome salad bar. $5.29 per Lb. They had premade salads and then a station to build your own. I ended up making my own. The selection of items was fresh and plentiful. I ended up FILLING this monsster container. I figured it would be over a lb.. maybe. Turns out that sucker was .66 lbs. it only cost me $3.49! THREE..FORTY..NINE! Holy buckets!!! This thing is at least 3 meals worth and I got not only spinach and 2 lettuce mixes, but broccoli, carrots, chick peas, bean sprouts, and red bell pepper strips! squeeee!

In general I eat a lot of salads so this was awesome for me I usually end up spending about $15-20 on stuff for my salads- not including dressing. Sometimes more if I can’t find everything I want. This will usually last me about 5-6 meals depending. In all it costs about $3 per salad meal that way. If I did this salad bar 3 times a week getting what I got today it would cost me about… $10.50. That would make me roughly 6 larger salads and 3 smaller salads costing about $1.16 each. Holy savings bomb! I make my own dressings because store bought is so awful usually! Savings for the win!

My SIL invited my MIL and me to a Body Wrap party tonight. Apparently they claim to easy away cellulite and shrink stuff. I know it’s a scam and I knoooow It won’t work but I agreed to go. I’m more going for the time out with other females. We moved to MN a year ago. Since I left PA3 years ago I haven’t had a boat load of female friends. When I left PA to go to FL we had Hub’s friends and their female halves. I loved them. Plus my BFF Ang was only a short 45 min flight away so I even got to see her. My Mom’s side of the family all lived about 45 minutes away too so I had a great deal of support. After Hub lost his job we couldn’t afford where we lived so we moved to NC where his Father had just moved. He was renovating a house his new wife had inherited and needed a LOT of help. Living there in a cute tiny town was pretty neat. I brought me even closer to Ang but we didn’t know a single soul otherwise. It was a town full of more old than young people and they had that whole Anti Northern vibe. Living there didn’t work out long, jobs were scarce and Hub’s dad is NOT the easiest man to live with. We didn’t get along. His religion and family values really clashes with how I was raised and it just didn’t work. We were very grateful that they gave us a home when we needed it. My family is scattered and my father is in the process of moving so we decided to relocate to Hubs old stomping grounds. His siblings, mom and the like are all here or close by. His mother offered us a home while we got back on our feet. So as you can see- I’ve moved 3 times in 3 years. I don’t have any friends near me unless you count my female family. I’m really excited to get out tonight! I even made sure to leave myself some free calories incase she has snacks. There are supposed to be some healthy goodies as this is for looking and feeling good!

Anyway, that was more long winded than I had planned! If they will allow me to take pictures I will post some next time! Either way I’ll give you an update- I figure if anyone is interested in firming your skin and this actually works I may as well share!

Sorry no pics tonight I was just way too busy! Until tomorrow