Body Image

When I was young I never really paid a much attention to my “shape”. I knew I was bigger but it didn’t stress me out.

I realized pregnancy was a huge help to me and my confidence. As I got older my confidence has oddly waned. 2 weeks post pregnancy and I love my body again!

In 2 weeks I have lost 35 lbs. And the thing is- I’m not trying to. I’m just being me!

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37 weeks- the day before delivery

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1 week post partum

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Little Miss and Me today! She gets to meet her Papa tonight for the first time!

I feel so comfortable in my skin now, for the first time in years. It’s a work in progress. I’m 10lbs from my pre baby, miscarriages and stuff 2 years ago.

In other news… this kid. Lawd.

Let me give you an example of how my nights go…

Hubs fed, changed and held her till 12:00- She refuses to be put down.
12:30 she was up again with the toots and screams. 1am we had a HUGE poopy diaper. Like..Holy crap. She had pooped SO much that it was full on blow out- from and back. I wasn’t expecting this so when I pulled off her diaper she immediately stuck her feet in her poop and started squishing her toes. Oh god.

If you’ve seen Pitch Perfect….
Puke_angel

Mhmmm. Gross.

We managed to get cleaned up and about a half hour later she was comfortably in her bassinet again when I hear a gag and BOOM- baby puke! THis was actually the second time of the night for a spit up monster of epic proportions.

My poor baby and her tummy. She has been so fussy and gassy lately. This was clearly the final countdown last night.

I’m totally open to suggestions here. She isn’t over eating or even cluster feeding anymore. She’s on a sensitive tummy forumla supplement and breast milk. Poor baby fusses alllllll night and a good portion of the day.

Don’t stress- Easier Said Than Done!

Sorry I just cracked myself up!

The last few days have been… a doozy.

Hubs is still in mega pain with his back. He popped a rib out and it still isn’t feeling better a week later. Poor guy has to sleep on the couch. Ugh..

2 nights ago while arranging the mountain of pillows on our bed I noticed one was VERY cold and damp feeling. As I tend to think very cold things feel damp, I let it go. But it bugged me. The wall and back on my bed felt damp too. We may have seepage coming in through our wall. I don’t even want to imagine what that will entail to deal with. Frankly I can’t even right now!

Yesterday I went in for my normal weekly prenatal appointments. First our normally upbeat Ultrasound Tech made her first notice that I might have TOO MUCH fluid around baby. She reminded me this could be bad so naturally my stress began to build. In the end she remeasured and it was fine- albeit on the higher side of the spectrum. I followed up the ultrasound with an OB appointment. This was pretty much where things went downhill and fast!

I mentioned to the nurse that I had gained 10lbs in a week. 10lbs y’all. OMFG

I was concerned because during the entirety of this pregnancy I have gained VERY little to no weight and in 1.5 months I had topped out at over 25lbs heavier. I had also begun to notice that I was having carpel tunnel issues in both hands, minor swelling in my hands and feet and that I was having nausea/vomiting issues. I knew the gaining had to be water weight because I was eating the same diet style as chosen by my dietitian and probably LESS than normal. By blood sugars were low as heck. My fasting number yesterday was only 58. I didn’t take insulin all day and never topped 115 if that goes to show you how off my body is! She wanted to let me relax for a few minutes. Don’t stress, she would be back shortly!

stress

Dr G poked around, asked tons of questions and then dropped the bomb on me. She wanted to send me to the hospital. She was concerned for me. My BP- which is irregular at best, was high. Very High for me. 146/104. Eeek. So I toddled out and off to Labor and Delivery I went.

For whatever reason I am generally an upbeat person in sucky medical situations. I assume this has to do with growing up in a family that spent a lot of time in and around hospitals. Laughter can be the best medicine I guess. As pessimistic as I can sound on here- I’ve been told in a hospital setting that they wish they had more upbeat patients. So strange. So I did what I always do and kept up an upbeat chatty conversation as the poked, prodded, tested and exposed my body.

I ended up having an on call Dr that I was familiar with, thank goodness. I had seen her during the kidney stone ordeal.

After a few hours of waiting my results came back. While LO’s heartbeat was a little on the high side, she was active and seemed perfectly fine. I on the other hand am now showing signs of preeclampsia. YUCK. After a lot of medical jargon the Dr was *insistent* that I follow up with my Dr on Monday. Not Tuesday when I had a previously scheduled appointment. It HAD to be Monday. Uhm, okay..

She then dropped the bomb of bombs. She said, as I would be 37 solid weeks next week, that Dr G needed to take Monday to plan my birth and induction and that I should plan to be delivering next Thursday or Friday.

*Cue total and utter shut down of my brain*

That’s sooner than I had planned. By a few weeks. Of course my body would go and make something insane happen. They cautioned me not to get stressed. They put my on modified best rest until LO is here.

Don’t stress? Really? I am a worrier by nature and then you lump all of the past week and upcoming week on me at once? Good luck.

In the end I insisted I had a few errands to run as my last week as a non mama. We also took the time to splurge and had a wonderful (and expensive) last hoorah dinner. I enjoyed ALL the foods just once- because gosh darnit, I NEEDED it.

We will see what Dr G says next week. I’ll keep y’all posted!

Insecurities in a big Pregnant World

I am at best a fairly insecure person. I won’t get into the details on that- but suffice to say- I am. Pregnancy has made me a very vulnerable and stressed out person!

Most of my doctors know I have a general distrust of the medical profession (funny as I was once a part of it!). They know not to hand me off to a new doctor or nurse without giving me fair warning. Want to see my BP be awful that day? Give me a new nurse that doesn’t know I’m a basket case!

For the majority of my pregnancy I have been monitored very closely. 2 miscarriages, Gestational Diabetes and being an overall fatty pretty much make that the norm I suppose. The upside to this is that I get a LOT more ultrasounds than the average gal. Many people have commented on this being excessive and tedious. I agree. Finding rides or having to drive my husband to and from work just to have a quick 20 minute scan is annoying on a good day. It’s scary as heck when you live in Minna-snow-ta and have about 6-7 weeks left before you are ready to pop. I worry about travelling on my own a lot. Hubs work is a drive out in the boonies. The road there is actually a fairy busy highway but it cuts through super tiny towns and in many areas is unlit. I worry about fitting behind the wheel as I get farther along.

Anyway, there I go off topic. Oops.. See… crazy lady.

The point of all that- I have had the same Ultrasound tech for my entire pregnancy. She knows my quirks and how I need to be treated in order to feel comfortable. She knows my baby and how she moves, breaths and reacts. She’s never impatient and she loves to gab with us. I love going to those appointments because I know what to expect. When we run into each other in the grocery store as we often will, we stop to talk and say hello. She’s just a nice person. So when the door to the office opened today and there stood a stranger, I was pretty put off. Ultrasound Tech Barbie called my name. That sounds awful, but yeahhhh. There stood this supermodel like young thing ready to whisk me away. Apparently she also whisked my manners away when she swooped in.

My first response to her was, “I don’t know you…”. I tried to explain that I’m sort of a weird case and all she did was laugh. I think eventually she got it because she finally asked if I would prefer her to get someone else. Then I just felt like a major heel, an uncomfortable one, but still. I don’t like surprises.

I didn’t like this girl at all. First she criticized my laying placement. I wasn’t away one could stretch out wrong and it was the same way I had always done it. When she whipped out the wand she barely spoke at all. Normally my gal does a play by play or just answers my questions. She asks her own and all that too. I’m not sure if it was a different wand or technique but the quality was AWFUL. I could barely tell what anything was. She was VERY impatient with every little thing. If she didn’t immediately see something she would just skip over it. She barely spoke. We talk a lot. Especially to pass the time during a routine biophysical where not much goes on other than checking organs and fluid levels. I made comments about previous visits to this one and small changes in the color of the placenta that I noticed. She didn’t respond to most. Little one is generally not a huge mover in the mid morning. She’s up kicking me all night and gets feisty again around lunch time. Girl knows when she is getting fed! This tech kept commenting on her lack of major movement despite my explaining this a million times. Kid moves a ton. She makes me look like a lump of playdough most often. Normal tech is patient. She knows if she just hangs out or pushes around a bit that LO with get annoyed and poke back. This new tech started shaking my belly. Like, moving my belly around like a ball and bouncing on it. DO you know what that does to a lady with acid reflux issues? Hours after my appointment I was STILL feeling nauseated and awful. Overall I was not impressed. I left the office wondering what nonsense she would post in the report. What is normally a happy blissful time was very stressful and annoying in the end. I REALLY hope I don’t get this girl again. I’ve never felt so insecure about my body and my child. NOT a fan

Hell-o Hormones

Ya’ll, today was NOT my best day. I am clearly having a crazy pregnant lady day.

I started off trying to find a facial cream. I had been using this cream for a while- it was for ladies going through skin chances. It was AMAZING. I have pretty sensitive skin, so finding something that doesn’t make me break out OR have an allergic reaction is hard. Then they discontinued it! I bought all they had on the sales rack a year ago and I finally just ran out. I started off at Target. Target has everything, right? Wrong.

While at Target I also stopped by the maternity section. I was pretty let down. Not only did the maternity section at this Target have barely anything, nothing was over a size medium. What?! They no longer even have a ‘Womens’ section. It’s currently the clearance hell. I found one wrack with a few tents .. erm.. I mean Plus Sized Blouses. As I was standing there muttering to myself this older woman walks over. Figuring she was trying to get by I walked to the other side of the rack. She clears her throat and says, “Target really doesn’t cater to people… you know.. your size. Extended needs.” EXCUSE me?! I glanced around and sure enough she was talking to me. I muttered something about them also not catering to us women that are expecting. A growing baby bump requires more room than a size medium. She tittered nervously and I stormed away feeling awful.

We left the store and continued my quest for a face cream. Figuring Ulta caters to beauty I tried there, plus it’s right next to Motherhood Maternity. Another let down at Ulta and hubs was getting flustered by all the sales ladies that kept asking him if he needed help. Finally I turned around, stated he was with me and as we were both clearly adults we would ASK if we needed help. Time to leave that place! We walked next door to Motherhood Maternity. Why am I looking right now?

1. I’m a bigger girl. I already know finding normal clothing can be a hassle, finding me sized pregnant lady clothing would be worse.
2. It was right next door
3. This morning my mid range jeans felt like a corset and my larger jeans that previously needed a belt were snug.

So into motherhood maternity we went. There was some REALLY cute stuff here. But, alas, I quickly realized that the Plus sized section was hidden in a back dimly lit corner. There was exactly 2 blouses, 2 tshirts, 1 pair of mom jeans, a HORIZONTAL striped dress and a handful of lounge pants. Uhm… Okay? WTF? Am I supposed to wear the same shirt and creepy wide leg jeans for the remaining months? I stood there and started exclaiming that clearly this was the wall of shame. I’m not expecting to be a fashion goddess but COME ON! I live in Minnesota for pity’s sake. Thing PJ pants and a tshirt are not going to cut it. They didn’t even carry jackets over a size Large.

I’m feeling like a bundle of crazy lady nerves. Helllllpppp

And so it Begins

Actually to be totally fair, it’s already begun- That is neither here nor there!

Anyway!

Hi everyone! If you happen to find this blog then yay! My name is Jess. I am.. *deep breath* Obese. I’m not “overweight”, “chunky” or even “curvy”. I am OBESE. This blog is somewhat of a personal journal documenting what I can only hope will be my road to a healthier me. I don’t have dreams of being super thin. I never have been. Even as a kiddo I was always “big”.

This journey for me really started in 2011. Two weeks before my wedding I was having chest pains. They lasted a while. My husband had already had a heart attack (at 36) the year before- He insisted I get checked out, so off we went to the hospital. I didn’t have a heart attack (knock on wood). I had all sorts of insane stuff going on. My heart rate was way too high. They concluded that I must just be having a panic attack. I never really bought this explanation because until I walked into the hospital I was totally serene. We had been grocery shopping for heaven’s sake! I was kept over night and during that time they weighed me.

285 lbs.

I was in absolute denial. NO WAY! Not me! Nu uhhh!! I made them weigh me 3 more times. Same deal. I was horrified. I’m only 5’3″ – That meant I was more than double what the “health professionals” said I should be. I mean, I knew I was gaining weight, but never in my mind was I that bad. I think the most depressing thing for me was for the past year my husband and I had been following the heart healthy diet his cardiologist has recommended. I was full of veggies, fruits and lean meats. We’d cut out things like sugar, carbs and processed foods. Sodium had absolutely no place in my home. Over that past year my husband lost around 30 lbs. I gained 30.  I was the same weight and size my mom was when she died. Yeah..

Cue to this year.

During a bad cold I sucked it up and saw a doctor. They of course weighed me. Their scale claimed I was 250. 35lbs gone?! No way. By now I had pretty much fallen into a depressive cycle. I was never going to overcome this fat body I’d given myself. Clearly my body had other plans.

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That left side was me on my wedding day (we had a very small deal so no white wedding for me!)- the right side was the same day I got weighed in at 250. This was 2 moves, and job losses later!

The angles are clearly different but I can tell, even if no one else can!

So these are the things I am working on:

– Portion size

– Foods that work for ME

– Not limiting myself

– Getting off my butt!

Let’s face it. I’d become lazy and over indulgent. After my husband lost his job- our only income, 2 weeks after our wedding no less. I stopped caring. I ate whatever crap passed my lips. I’d started this cycle before after my mom died. I had a LOT of guilt over that and I did not handle myself well. I tried a million fad diets. You can’t build a house overnight folks, just like you can’t change yourself in a week. It’s a full life style change. Something I struggle with daily. Food is and was my addiction and I need to learn to get out of that zone.

So the challenge begins. Get healthy! Get active! I really hope you will consider joining me on this trek! If you are out there, I really hope you will follow along, over support, ideas and what not.

To the haters out there. Guess what? I already know I’m fat and lazy so let’s move on? Good!

I will post about my changes, ideas and struggles as time goes on! Until Next time!