It’s been a while

Hello world! We’re still alive here!! Life has been just insanely busy.

Kiddo had her first birthday in March~ Insane. How is my baby 1?!

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We’ve had a lot of fun things happen. We had my best friend come stay with us. We’ve joined a mom group & joined in on some fun play dates. Lilly and I have spent a LOT of time at the park.

The park has been a great thing. Up until the warm weather kicked in, my weight became stagnant. No matter what I hate or did, not one pound came off. Since we’ve started the park, I’ve lost about 13.

This past weekend we visited family in GA. Lilly got to spend time with never met family. She also went into a pool for the first time. It was amazing. Hopefully I’ll get the pictures and video.

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And now for a little bit about me.

It’s amazing what the world looks like when you finally start coming out of a prolonged depressive episode. You guys, I was seriously depressed for 6 years. I’ve made a good show of acting like all was right on the outside when inside I was pretty broken. Time with kiddo has really started to lift my spirits. Getting outside in a physical way has also helped A LOT. I recently joined a mom group and that helped for a bit.

But things got weird. I made a friend in the group. Our kids are days apart in age. I was SO happy to finally have a friend near by. I’ve been pretty alone. Especially for the past year or so. Hub’s changed jobs a while back and that left me pretty much on my own 5 days a week. Then he expressed needing some “him” time. So we set up weekend shifts on who dealt with kiddo. This allowed him a few hours to work with his tool collection and me time to catch up on things that I put aside.

Anyway, I made that friend and then just as suddenly as I met her, I lost her. I still have no idea what went wrong. She let us come over during some work being done at our building. The owners asked everyone to leave the parking lots. It was supposed to be to fix the lots, but all they did was fill the worst of the holes and fix the area around the drainage system. That night she was sending me links to homes for sale in her neighborhood. The next day when I went to confirm plans, she had blocked me on Facebook. I’ve been pretty frustrated and sad. Especially when I realized I’d left some thing behind at her home. Attempts to get them back have been totally ignored.

This whole experience has been weird and hard. I’m sad. I started feeling myself slipping back into that depressive state. The place where i made myself not care. I stopped wanted to do things. That isn’t fair to my daughter. But it’s also not fair to me. I’m left questioning the group where I met this girl. My first attempt at a new friend and play date resulted in all this confusing drama. If I’d done something, I would be able to process it. Instead I’m left to wonder? My attempts to get help from the group have left me feeling uneasy. I’ve tried to be low key with the admin, but was basically brushed off. I think I’m going to work on finding another group.

On another topic, I’ve been taken off my insulin. I’m still sick, but I can manage it with pills. I’ve been managing for about a month and I am ECSTATIC to be syringe free!

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9 months

In 4 days, that is how long my little munchkin has been out in the world.

In 9 months I’ve learned so many things.

Those baby milestones mean bupkiss. Really. People are constantly telling me how “easy” I have it right now. That I just have to wait till she starts crawling more or walking. Newsflash.. this kid has been standing since 6 months, crawling about the same and walking a few steps at a time for a month. But on the same token, she has no teeth. She’s my toofless little monster. She’s not following anyone’s flow chart but her own.

It takes a village to raise a child, but after the shiny and new wears off.. that village is usually nowhere to be found. A lot of that is our own fault. We don’t have a huge group of friends here and hub’s family is usually busy with their own lives. My own family is on the other side of the country. But it’s still hard. Case in point, I have not have even a few hours alone in months. No one has offered to take LO for even a few hours since AUGUST. Ya’ll. My sanity. I’ve started begging Facebook posts to take my child so that I can get things done. SO far that hasn’t worked out. We don’t have a ton of extra money for daycare or sitters. Sometimes just getting an offer to come hang out with her or take her for a bit would be nice.

BABY PROOF EVERYTHING. At the moment, my home looks like a war zone obstacle course of boxes and knee height items. Majority of our home is down one hall which makes things somewhat easy. The big issue is that our living room and dining room are one big open combined space. They don’t make a baby gate long enough to cover a whole room. Especially when you live in an apartment and can’t screw anything into the walls. Consider this when you have kids. Because you will spent 90% of the day dragging your kid away from things. Our kitchen table and chairs are hard shiny metal bottomed beasts. LO has tried to crack her head a million times. We bought a kiddy corral but it is currently keeping the Christmas tree safe. I have jerry rigged a large box to squeeze between the corral and the couch to make a makeshift room gate (which she has fgured out how to semi tip over and use as a slide. sigh). I’m also too short for all of the baby gates… If the gate is up and I have a sleeping kid? There’s a better chance of an asteroid strike than me making it over the gate with her or opening it one handed! Ahhhh…

Just give up on cleaning. Unless you have TONS of storage and a baby that will happily sit while you work- good luck. Also plans for going to the gym, taking up running or pretty much anything else are a pipe dream if you live in my world.

People can be WEIRD. Random strangers will act as if they have never seen a baby before. Hordes of old ladies will descend upon you to give advice, pinch cheeks and all sorts of oddities for someone that tends to be an introvert. Family will also be shady. You and your child will be constantly compared to any baby they happen to know at the time. Or in my case, you may even have a close relative that will name their child THE EXACT SAME FIRST AND MIDDLE NAME as your kid. Without telling you. And everyone else will think its no big deal. If you lived in any sort of shared housing and you can hear footsteps, construction or TV time.. you will begin to resent the living hell out of ANYONE that disturbs the rare slumber of your child. Take a deep breath and just do you!

Making mom friends is like being the frumpy chick at a party and trying to pick up the one single guy in the room while he chats with 30 other women. It doesn’t work.

But, it’s not all nightmares, lack of sleep and piles of unwashed dishes. There are good times too. In the morning, on a good day, my favorite time is our snuggles. When her warm little body is pressed against mine and she just clings like a baby koala.  On a lucky day she will open her mouth wide, dribbling with drool and smash it against my cheek, or nose, in her version of a kiss. Because mama gives LOTS of kisses too.

 

Lets Get Physical… or Fat Shamed?

Hey ya’ll! It’s been a bit!

Sorry to go missing but my kid is a handful. She’s got belly problems and colic and all sorts of un happy things. Poor Bug.

As for me, I’m plugging along. I had my CT and saw my Urologist again last week! The CT revealed 2 8 x 6mm stones in my right kidney, along with a possible cluster behind one and 2 6 x 4mm stones in my left. There are a few smaller ones that were obviously less worrisome. After some discussion we decided to go ahead with lithotripsy. We are going to blast those suckers and then see what we can do to try and avoid them in the future. I don’t have much faith, but we’ll see. Lithotripsy is an outpatient “surgical” procedure. Meaning I have to be put to sleep. This means the husband is taking a day off work to take me and my MIL will be watching the baby.

It also meant I had to have a pre-op physical. Ya’ll, the doctor they set me up is basically the walking reason why I tend to HATE the doctor’s office. I was lucky to get in as fast as I did, but I almost wish I had waited for a less asinine Dr. I scheduled it for the morning before my 6 (well actually 7) week post-partum check up. The doctor came in and not ONCE did he look me in the eye. He ignored my outstretched hand and immediately got to work. He barely spoke but kept looking at me and then scooting to his computer to “hmm” and “hummm” over things. He must have asked me about 15 times if I was having chest pains. Finally I was beginning to get worried. I asked if something was wrong. With his back still to me at the computer he said that he found it VERY hard to believe that someone “my size” could have such a normal blood pressure reading. He noted that my heart rate felt a little fast to him. I tried to explain that I hadn’t had previous issues with my blood pressure during normal appointments and that I tend to be a bit nervous with doctors and my heart rate tends to speed up. He ignored me and insisted on taking my blood pressure again. He FAILED 3 times. First he forgot to plug the cuff in, then he left it too loose, and the final time I don’t know what he did wrong but he tried to tell me my blood pressure was only 88/80 and that he was ordering an immediate EKG. I really thought this man was a quack and said I didn’t think this was necessary but no one listens to the fat chick. Sigh

I was also getting stressed because I knew my other appointment was only 10 minutes away and I expressed this. No one cared. In the end they made me 25 minutes late to an appointment that had already been rescheduled twice due to timing issues. And guess what? My EKG came back absolutely FINE. They rechecked my blood pressure again for good measure and it was 116/83. Still.

What I found most fascinating was how much this doctor focused on my weight and not my actual health or answers. If I didn’t give him an answer he expected he either ignored me or asked it repeatedly like I would suddenly break down and admit to something. The blood pressure thing was annoying. He pulled up my records and pointed to my last 2 recorded appointments and said something like, “NO bad blood pressure? What do you call these?”. I explained- if he had read the notes under each one that I had pre-eclampsia during the very end of my pregnancy. Had he bothered to read the notes or checked the other numbers he would have known this and avoided a lot of annoyance.

After making me wait he told me I was perfectly fine for my surgery and I was cleared! I left livid and apologized profusely to my OB for the hold up. Even she laughed at his antics. The man was severely overweight himself. She stated that if he had actually looked beyond his own prejudices he would have seen that I was actually a mostly healthy person, I’d lost 45 lbs before my pregnancy and that I had been in and out of the hospital so many times during my pregnancy and birth that SURELY someone would have caught it if something was truly wrong.

Oh well, at least he did not hold me back!

My procedure is May 14th. Hopefully we break these suckers up

Judgemental

I am really sick of being judged by people. Namely family that doesn’t see the big picture or isn’t around often.

From the Aunt that flat out called my home- to my face- ugly, to my dad and his lady making snide comments about how packed our home currently looks.

Here’s the deal. I had a baby 2 weeks ago. Babies have a TON of stuff. I still get gifts and packages and sometimes I just don’t have the time to go through it all. I live in an apartment and am not in a place where I wish to saddle myself with a mortgage right now. I actually put effort into cleaning and had help doing it- solely for the purpose of your arrival. Believe me, I would much rather have used those hours to catch up on the sleep I don’t get anymore.

I’m tired of feeling like that isn’t good enough. No, my life isn’t perfect- but it works for me. The sooner you all accept that this is how things are- the more likely it will be that I actually want to spend time with you.

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Body Image

When I was young I never really paid a much attention to my “shape”. I knew I was bigger but it didn’t stress me out.

I realized pregnancy was a huge help to me and my confidence. As I got older my confidence has oddly waned. 2 weeks post pregnancy and I love my body again!

In 2 weeks I have lost 35 lbs. And the thing is- I’m not trying to. I’m just being me!

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37 weeks- the day before delivery

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1 week post partum

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Little Miss and Me today! She gets to meet her Papa tonight for the first time!

I feel so comfortable in my skin now, for the first time in years. It’s a work in progress. I’m 10lbs from my pre baby, miscarriages and stuff 2 years ago.

In other news… this kid. Lawd.

Let me give you an example of how my nights go…

Hubs fed, changed and held her till 12:00- She refuses to be put down.
12:30 she was up again with the toots and screams. 1am we had a HUGE poopy diaper. Like..Holy crap. She had pooped SO much that it was full on blow out- from and back. I wasn’t expecting this so when I pulled off her diaper she immediately stuck her feet in her poop and started squishing her toes. Oh god.

If you’ve seen Pitch Perfect….
Puke_angel

Mhmmm. Gross.

We managed to get cleaned up and about a half hour later she was comfortably in her bassinet again when I hear a gag and BOOM- baby puke! THis was actually the second time of the night for a spit up monster of epic proportions.

My poor baby and her tummy. She has been so fussy and gassy lately. This was clearly the final countdown last night.

I’m totally open to suggestions here. She isn’t over eating or even cluster feeding anymore. She’s on a sensitive tummy forumla supplement and breast milk. Poor baby fusses alllllll night and a good portion of the day.

What I Learned From my Birth Experience

A lot y’all. I was woefully unprepared despite all the videos, education and reading.

1. Despite feeling knowledgeable on induction methods- we used 2 that weren’t even on the popular list of ones I expected. One had little effect while the other sent me spiralling out of control, and fast.

2. I was NOT prepared for the pain. Everyone says kidney stones are worse than child labor. They LIE. I’ve passed stones as big as 10mil and would gladly have done that again in a heartbeat. Oddly enough the actual pushing part- while exhausting and for me, stressful- was not bad. It was the never ending contractions 45 seconds apart lasting 1+ minutes that got to me. I’ve always had a higher pain tolerance but yikes.

3. Your pain meds may not work with the type of pain you have. I ended up getting an epidural. Ya know what? It didn’t do squat. In fact, for me, it took away my mobility to move around and help myself while leaving me feeling every ounce of pain I had before that. It was so bad at some points that the Dr came back to make sure it had works. It had- just not with the type of pain I had. They gave me other pain meds to help. They didn’t but at that point I was so upset I didn’t even know how to say NO- Stop.

4. Not all nurses are created equally. When I first arrived, I had a lovely nurse. She was sweet, funny and attentive. She spent more time in my room than she should have just chatting and sharing stories. Of course when the “fun” began I ended up with nurse ratchet. She was awful. I had HORRIBLE pain. Pain that had me throwing up and she insisted that I wasn’t even in labor.

5. Sometimes the stages of labor go faster than the medical staff predicts. After multiple attempts to get help from the evil nurse I was FINALLY listened to. This was a few short hours after they had inserted a different induction method. This method was to be left in for upwards of 12 hours. She had planned to insert it and then not check me until the morning. Low and behold a mere 4 hours later, despite her protests, I actually WAS in labor and found out i SHOULD have been pushing.

6. Pain turns me into a ninny. I’m a little ashamed about that and I do feel it puts a dark shadow over what should have been an awesome event. I was so upset by the end stages. Between failed pain relief, vomiting and being ignored by my nurse- I was over it. SO when I was laying in a stupor of pain and unwanted drugs I overheard the medical staff suddenly stating that baby and I were both in distress (all the while NOT telling myself or my husband) I was panicky. They even began preping me right then and there for a c-section. I was totally unprepared when instead they insisted I push because “Oh wow, you’re at 10 cm! how did that happen?!”. I didn’t handle the back and forth transition well and no one asked me what I wanted or needed.

7. The Dr may not actually be in the room. (Sorry in advance..but…) This particular revelation MIND FUCKED me. In everything you read- the doctor is there, there is a staff of many people in and out of your room and they tell you when to push and not push if you need help. Not in my case. I vaguely remember the doctor coming in, stating that because I was already dilated they were going to have me try pushing and she expected to be called back soon. Wait, what?! She left and it was just hubs, a nurse and me. She kept telling me to get mad and focus my breathing. All that did was make me obstinate. I didn’t want to hear what she was telling me. I wanted to know why one minute I was an urgent case and the next I was left in the hands of one person. I was pissed to say the least. I’m also asthmatic. Stress and upset set me off and I had a hard time catching my breath. They kept reminding me to breathe and then at the same time telling me to hold my breath. When you are hopped up on too many not working pain meds, stress and confusion it’s a LOT to take in. I was begging for help and everyone just kept repeating the same things and ignoring my distress. When the nurse told me I had to stop being selfish and that this wasn’t about me- it was about my baby- I really wanted to punch her in the face. When I finally demanded to see a dr things ACTUALLY got going and fast.

8. The “Ring of Fire” is real. But it isn’t as bad as I heard. On the same token- my recovery hasn’t been earth shatteringly awful like I read. Yes I bled, Yes I hurt- but I was up and moving a few hours later! Speaking of which…

9. You may faint. Ever heard of gravitational flow? Neither had I. Imagine you are bleeding but haven’t stood up for hours. They finally get you up and let you try to use the bathroom. While you are sitting there waiting for your bladder to kick in you hear a distinct “running water” sound. Except, you aren’t peeing yet and there is no water running. That happened. I remember listening to the sound and wondering what the heck was going on. Then I went deaf. As in all sounds started to dull and I sounded like my head was under water. My vision started to dim. I managed to grab the pull chord as I slipped into la la land. I remember vaguely hearing a nurse on the call button asking if everything was ok and “how are you feeling”. In a super distorted voice I said something was wrong. From my hub’s point of view (he was outside in the waiting area calling his dad), an alarm went off, nurses went running and he jokingly asked, “that’s not for room 470 is it?”. It was. Nurses came flooding in as I was sitting on the pot. I remember something about smelling salts, being told to breath and telling them over and over I was deaf. It was like listening to a conversation underwater. I was okay in the end but I remember as they hoisted me into a wheelchair that the bathroom looked like a crime scene. Holy shit.

Also.. to give en example of what I felt like I was hearing at the time…

(if this doesn’t work- search Jo Koy rupees)

10. You will have an adorable bundle that you have NO idea what to do with. It’s worth it.

I’m a Mommy

One week ago today I went in for my induction. 24 hours later we had the most adorable little bubbala I ever did see!

My induction and subsequent birthing were hell if I’m totally honest. None of the meds worked. I was in severe pain the whole time. Vomiting, doubled over non-stop every 45 seconds pain. I acted like a total ninny. I made up new curse words and begged. Yikes.

But she’s worth it!

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Nosy

Sometimes people just need to mind their business.

When I arrived at my Dr appt today there was a LONG line waiting to check in. About 10 people. I’m supposed to be on bed rest and am not supposed to be standing for long periods. After several minutes I could feel my heartbeat all the way down to my swollen feet. The people at the reception desks were chatting as if there was no line. I had been chatting and joking with the people near me in line and my MIL. I finally made a comment that I was supposed to be on bed rest and maybe I should consider getting a wheel chair because I wasn’t feeling so hot with waiting.

Nosy Nancy behind me piped up out of the blue with, “Well.. you know.. people who are negative all the time are doomed to be sad and lonely people that find no joy in life”. Not sure where that came from. Sorry I’m having a baby on Thursday and I feel like crap because other people are being insensitive? Mind ya business.

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Final Countdown

So much is happening right now!

I had my final OB appt yesterday. After a lot of hemming and hawing it was decided I would be induced on Thursday March 12th. As in.. this Thursday! Oh Mah Gawd….y’all…

It’s not that this decision was unexpected really. It’s just a lot sooner than I had figured. Originally my Dr was concerned that my “bad” numbers weren’t bad enough to soothe the minds of the men behind the desks. But in the end it was decided by her and another Dr. The Dr that would be doing my induction is my original first choice dr. So… scheduling for the win?

GD, kidney stones, mild pre-eclampsia and worsening carpal tunnel have left my body swollen and painful. As long as LO is okay we can do whatever is necessary.

Speaking of kidney stones…

I passed yet another one last night. I’m relieved as this one has been floating around and poking my poor abused bladder for weeks. It was NOT something I wanted to worry about during labor! This stone was only about 3mm so as far as size goes- it wasn’t too bad. Just annoying! This is 7 stones I’ve passed since mid January. 7 stones that supposedly did not exist.

I had to laugh. My Dr actually said, “He’s the type of doctor that needs to retire. He’s missing things with patients and just does not care any more.” when it came to discussing the urology “guru” that told me to suck it up. Clearly he is not on anyone’s happy list! Apparently she had another patient with severe stones in the hospital and he was the Dr on call. When she called for a consult he told her he was having a dinner party and asked if she could find someone else before he disrupted his night. Really?! While you are ON CALL? Nice, dude.

In lesser exciting news. I should get my new phone cover soon. My urologist should have the analyzing results back on my stones this week. And my poor dad is having a nervous breakdown.

I called just to give him a heads up so he didn’t find out over FB that I had delivered early. I told him not to come. I don’t plan on having anyone but my husband around for the actual birth and saw no need to have people waiting around in the halls. It would only stress me out to have to worry about other people. Of course hours later I get a call from his gf. My dad is panicking and trying to get on a place. Lord help me. I can’t worry about that, or worry about him somehow getting a ride to the hospital- Which is a 45-1.5 hr drive depending on traffic. No, just no. I love him but the man drives me insane. He swears he heard in my voice that I will need him there. Sorry to sound mean. But again- No. I’m a bitch when I’m in pain. My dad and I have a strained relationship for the most part and I will surely insult him. Save meeeee

Unless something happens this may be the precursor to a pause in blogging. I will update when I can!

Don’t stress- Easier Said Than Done!

Sorry I just cracked myself up!

The last few days have been… a doozy.

Hubs is still in mega pain with his back. He popped a rib out and it still isn’t feeling better a week later. Poor guy has to sleep on the couch. Ugh..

2 nights ago while arranging the mountain of pillows on our bed I noticed one was VERY cold and damp feeling. As I tend to think very cold things feel damp, I let it go. But it bugged me. The wall and back on my bed felt damp too. We may have seepage coming in through our wall. I don’t even want to imagine what that will entail to deal with. Frankly I can’t even right now!

Yesterday I went in for my normal weekly prenatal appointments. First our normally upbeat Ultrasound Tech made her first notice that I might have TOO MUCH fluid around baby. She reminded me this could be bad so naturally my stress began to build. In the end she remeasured and it was fine- albeit on the higher side of the spectrum. I followed up the ultrasound with an OB appointment. This was pretty much where things went downhill and fast!

I mentioned to the nurse that I had gained 10lbs in a week. 10lbs y’all. OMFG

I was concerned because during the entirety of this pregnancy I have gained VERY little to no weight and in 1.5 months I had topped out at over 25lbs heavier. I had also begun to notice that I was having carpel tunnel issues in both hands, minor swelling in my hands and feet and that I was having nausea/vomiting issues. I knew the gaining had to be water weight because I was eating the same diet style as chosen by my dietitian and probably LESS than normal. By blood sugars were low as heck. My fasting number yesterday was only 58. I didn’t take insulin all day and never topped 115 if that goes to show you how off my body is! She wanted to let me relax for a few minutes. Don’t stress, she would be back shortly!

stress

Dr G poked around, asked tons of questions and then dropped the bomb on me. She wanted to send me to the hospital. She was concerned for me. My BP- which is irregular at best, was high. Very High for me. 146/104. Eeek. So I toddled out and off to Labor and Delivery I went.

For whatever reason I am generally an upbeat person in sucky medical situations. I assume this has to do with growing up in a family that spent a lot of time in and around hospitals. Laughter can be the best medicine I guess. As pessimistic as I can sound on here- I’ve been told in a hospital setting that they wish they had more upbeat patients. So strange. So I did what I always do and kept up an upbeat chatty conversation as the poked, prodded, tested and exposed my body.

I ended up having an on call Dr that I was familiar with, thank goodness. I had seen her during the kidney stone ordeal.

After a few hours of waiting my results came back. While LO’s heartbeat was a little on the high side, she was active and seemed perfectly fine. I on the other hand am now showing signs of preeclampsia. YUCK. After a lot of medical jargon the Dr was *insistent* that I follow up with my Dr on Monday. Not Tuesday when I had a previously scheduled appointment. It HAD to be Monday. Uhm, okay..

She then dropped the bomb of bombs. She said, as I would be 37 solid weeks next week, that Dr G needed to take Monday to plan my birth and induction and that I should plan to be delivering next Thursday or Friday.

*Cue total and utter shut down of my brain*

That’s sooner than I had planned. By a few weeks. Of course my body would go and make something insane happen. They cautioned me not to get stressed. They put my on modified best rest until LO is here.

Don’t stress? Really? I am a worrier by nature and then you lump all of the past week and upcoming week on me at once? Good luck.

In the end I insisted I had a few errands to run as my last week as a non mama. We also took the time to splurge and had a wonderful (and expensive) last hoorah dinner. I enjoyed ALL the foods just once- because gosh darnit, I NEEDED it.

We will see what Dr G says next week. I’ll keep y’all posted!