All the Small Things

Today is my shower!

Is it horrible to say I’m actually incredibly freaked out!? I don’t do well with having all visual attention on me. I get weird even opening holiday gifts from my husband, let alone a group of women I don’t know well or haven’t met often. Ohhh Boy. But I am excited, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed I don’t melt down!!

The only real concern I have at the moment comes from my appointment yesterday. I had 2 appointments in a row. First I had my bi-weekly OB appointment. This began my stress levels. I mentioned more kidney stones and then was left to wait in the room by a nurse for over 20 minutes. Considering I used to wait upwards of 4-5 hours in PA- 20 minutes is nothing. But, and there is always a but, I began getting stressed because I also had an appointment immediately after my OB. This appointment was at another clinic across town AND it was snowing and icy out. SO there I sat, stressing about getting to my other appointment on time. Thanks to years of working with someone on a tight schedule- I am a stickler for punctuality. It turns out my doctor was beyond annoyed that the urologist office she referred me to was jerking me around. She apparently was late coming in because she was making calls. I appreciate it but eventually when the nurse came in to check my BP I let her know I needed to leave in 10 minutes with or without seeing them. Of course my BP was high. 145/95. ACK. The insisted on checking it again in 10 minutes. Now I had performance anxiety to boot. I had also gained a significant amount of weight. Note to self, always take off shoes.. screw laziness.AND I was passing a kidney stone. What did they expect?! My BP was still elevated at the second round and they called ahead to my next appointment to be evaluated there. SIGH.

The minute I got out of my appointment Hubs was already stressed. He was worried I was in so long, worried about the driving conditions and annoyed my next scheduled appointment was in such a shotty time. None of this helped me calm down. As it turns out- stressing about time was a non issue. My next appointment was running 15 minutes behind anyway. The nurse that was supposed to evaluate me got fed up and left to help other patients because no one told her I was still in the waiting area. I finally got my appointment in. Little One was doing swimmingly. Despite my mental whiplash, she was having a chill day in the womb. Must be nice.

I ended up having my BP taken twice more while at my ultrasound. It didn’t get much better. I had to sit in the waiting room until further notice. It was decided that I had to be put on light activity and bed rest. Jooooy. There was a discussion about my being induced early. Hello, oh you are stressed? Let’s add a heaping load of OMG!

I will be monitored 3 times next week. Should be fun.

SO you can see, on top of my shower anxiety, I also will have all of the above. I was told by the Dr that I was to basically sit in a chair and let everyone and everything come to me. Because that will help with the people anxiety for sure!

SOS, Send me chill pills and hugs

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The Beat Goes On

Hello world!

Almost exactly 2 months after I started having flank pain and other symptoms associated with kidney stones I can proudly say I have passed yet ANOTHER.

To the doctor (a “specialist” I might add) that told me to “suck it up” and that my pain was only pregnancy related- feel free to take a flying leap.

At this time I have managed to catch and hold onto 4 stones of varying sizes. If you read a few posts back you’ve seen pictures of 3. One of those was a 9.5 millimetre stone.

Last night, out of the blue, out popped another one. This one was by far the smallest. I’m assuming this is why, other than a small amount of flank pain a few weeks ago, I didn’t really notice it. I’ve been feeling lethargic and over all cruddy this past week and have associated this with just being 6 weeks away from this kiddo popping out. I still have the same bit of discomfort I had last night. I would not be at all surprised to learn there is another. I know for a fact that I passed 2 smaller ones originally that I did not catch.

That brings my total in 2 months to 6 stones. 6 stones that supposedly didn’t exist. 6 stones that caused pains I blamed on this child and ignored all the warning signs and my gut feeling. I am SO frustrated.

I have an appointment with the urologist (a different one!)on March 2nd. My OB was extremely un happy they seem to be jerking me around. Apparently even her requests for an urgent appointment don’t hold much weight. They said they could put me on a cancellation waiting list. But so far it is mid February and no such calls have come in.

I don’t know what I expect from the appointment. Mostly I would like all the stones analysed and tested to find out what they are made up of for sure. There isn’t much they can do beyond some unpleasant procedures until kiddo comes. I’m not having ANY of those done. We’re so close to the finish line at this point I don’t want to put any added stress on my body.

On the flip side, my shower is this weekend. Despite the fact that all but one of the 18 people I personally invited declined, and we haven’t even heard back from most of the women on Hubs side of the family- I am trying to remain excited. Hub’s Mom and Sisters have been busting it to make this special for me. They’ve invested WAY too much time and money into something that will probably be a bust. But I appreciate the effort more than anything. I’ve never had a party of my own besides a few McDonald/backyard parties as a very little kid.

Even with all their efforts, I feel guilty. I have such a hard time letting people do things for me. I am probably one of the tightest penny pincher’s in the world. Yesterday Hub’s Mom took me to an appointment and we ran a few errands while we were out. In a few short hours she had dropped nearly $100 AND still had to pick up the food, cake and more supplies later this week. I feel so damn guilty. That’s not including the gifts she already bought us, the rental for a venue (which I now feel even worse about as she wanted to do a home party and I was worried too many people would come…fail), decorations, gifts and prizes, games and whatever other tricks she has up her sleeve. Add to this that the 2 weeks prior my SIL used 2 of her days off to take me to appointments. I know she is busy as heck and she spent 2 full days with me, paid for lunches AND bought me new clothes. I appreciate all the effort but I feel bad. And yet, as next week comes into view I’m already thinking about asking someone to drive me again. I can’t win.

If nothing else, I’m learning what real families do for each other. My own family has clearly never gone out of the way. Sure my parents were good to me but my sisters have spoken via text to me maybe 3 times in the past 8 months. Not the worst, but an example none the less.

Back to doing a million things to get ready for little one! Oh, and let me share a rare baby photo!

babyJ

IMAG0799-1-1

Behold, Little me at about 14 months…. annnnd Baby L and her 3D ultrasound yesterday! They are cruddy looking but then they are pictures of pictures on a cruddy old phone! Enjoy 😛

Insecurities in a big Pregnant World

I am at best a fairly insecure person. I won’t get into the details on that- but suffice to say- I am. Pregnancy has made me a very vulnerable and stressed out person!

Most of my doctors know I have a general distrust of the medical profession (funny as I was once a part of it!). They know not to hand me off to a new doctor or nurse without giving me fair warning. Want to see my BP be awful that day? Give me a new nurse that doesn’t know I’m a basket case!

For the majority of my pregnancy I have been monitored very closely. 2 miscarriages, Gestational Diabetes and being an overall fatty pretty much make that the norm I suppose. The upside to this is that I get a LOT more ultrasounds than the average gal. Many people have commented on this being excessive and tedious. I agree. Finding rides or having to drive my husband to and from work just to have a quick 20 minute scan is annoying on a good day. It’s scary as heck when you live in Minna-snow-ta and have about 6-7 weeks left before you are ready to pop. I worry about travelling on my own a lot. Hubs work is a drive out in the boonies. The road there is actually a fairy busy highway but it cuts through super tiny towns and in many areas is unlit. I worry about fitting behind the wheel as I get farther along.

Anyway, there I go off topic. Oops.. See… crazy lady.

The point of all that- I have had the same Ultrasound tech for my entire pregnancy. She knows my quirks and how I need to be treated in order to feel comfortable. She knows my baby and how she moves, breaths and reacts. She’s never impatient and she loves to gab with us. I love going to those appointments because I know what to expect. When we run into each other in the grocery store as we often will, we stop to talk and say hello. She’s just a nice person. So when the door to the office opened today and there stood a stranger, I was pretty put off. Ultrasound Tech Barbie called my name. That sounds awful, but yeahhhh. There stood this supermodel like young thing ready to whisk me away. Apparently she also whisked my manners away when she swooped in.

My first response to her was, “I don’t know you…”. I tried to explain that I’m sort of a weird case and all she did was laugh. I think eventually she got it because she finally asked if I would prefer her to get someone else. Then I just felt like a major heel, an uncomfortable one, but still. I don’t like surprises.

I didn’t like this girl at all. First she criticized my laying placement. I wasn’t away one could stretch out wrong and it was the same way I had always done it. When she whipped out the wand she barely spoke at all. Normally my gal does a play by play or just answers my questions. She asks her own and all that too. I’m not sure if it was a different wand or technique but the quality was AWFUL. I could barely tell what anything was. She was VERY impatient with every little thing. If she didn’t immediately see something she would just skip over it. She barely spoke. We talk a lot. Especially to pass the time during a routine biophysical where not much goes on other than checking organs and fluid levels. I made comments about previous visits to this one and small changes in the color of the placenta that I noticed. She didn’t respond to most. Little one is generally not a huge mover in the mid morning. She’s up kicking me all night and gets feisty again around lunch time. Girl knows when she is getting fed! This tech kept commenting on her lack of major movement despite my explaining this a million times. Kid moves a ton. She makes me look like a lump of playdough most often. Normal tech is patient. She knows if she just hangs out or pushes around a bit that LO with get annoyed and poke back. This new tech started shaking my belly. Like, moving my belly around like a ball and bouncing on it. DO you know what that does to a lady with acid reflux issues? Hours after my appointment I was STILL feeling nauseated and awful. Overall I was not impressed. I left the office wondering what nonsense she would post in the report. What is normally a happy blissful time was very stressful and annoying in the end. I REALLY hope I don’t get this girl again. I’ve never felt so insecure about my body and my child. NOT a fan

The Elusive Sleep Monster

No matter what data you read about any one subject there will always be conflicting data.

Almost as long as I can remember I have had sleep issues. My brain refuses to shut off. I’ve taken various sleep tests, tried handfuls of sleepaids and pills- Nothing really seems to work. Those that start off working usually are considered “addictive” and are strictly controlled. The same people that push those pills on you are suddenly urging you to stop. There really is no winning situation here.

During this pregnancy my body has *craved* sleep. Earlier on I could barely function during the day because my body wanted a nap. But, I don’t nap. I’ve never been good at napping. I find I lay around for most of the allotted nap time staring at the ceiling, counting sheep or whatever it is we sleep defunct folks do. By the time I drift off, if I’ve been lucky to do so at all, I am woken only minutes later feeling worse than before I closed my eyes.

I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. Which, is to be expected. My doctor suggested Unisom. Unisom works in that hours after I take it I feel a slight sleepy sensation. My hubs makes fun of me because I have started crawling into bed earlier and earlier in hopes that the two things will catch up to each other, meet in the middle and get me sleeping at normal human times. Some days it works.

Other times, like last night- Not so much. I made the mistake of drinking a small caffeinated drink. Ehhhhh wrong answer.

Pregnant sleep is bizarre. If you are like me, you may toss and turn. And let me tell you- tossing and turning with a bowling ball strapped to your middle is a mess. I flop like a fish. Sometimes I get stuck on my back- barely able to breathe. Fun times. I also have some of the most INSANE dreams. This shouldn’t come as a huge shock. I’ve always had really messed up dreams- but some of these are the cherry on my crazy cake! Whew!

If there is any silver lining to all of this- it’s that I figure I’ll be totally ready to be a sleep deprived mom. I can function mostly like a human on a few hours of sleep!

Bring it onnnn

tired

Feeling Selfish

Hey ya’ll! We’re still plugging along here.

This week I’m fighting off my tendencies to act or feel selfish. It’s not working out very well.

My shower is in a few weeks. I live very far from my own side of the family. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. They are all east coast while I am currently located in the Mid-West.

I know times are tough for everyone and I know that Minnesota in February isn’t super exciting. I knew this inviting people. I didn’t expect everyone to come. I hoped maybe a few would. So I invited 18 people that are friends and family of mine. Of that- I know for certain 10 of them said no.

Several of them have called and told me what they are sending. This in itself drives me insane. I would like to be somewhat surprised. At least as much as can be. One of my Aunts called to say she didn’t like my choices for various reasons of her own and had decided to tell my other Aunt’s and Grandma to purchase items she approved. So… yay. You basically told me I have crappy taste and I’m going to get things I won’t want. Thanks a bunch. I get that part of it is that I chose the cheaper options of the better rated items and they look at it as being nice. But when the excuse to not come is that they can’t afford it, but then turn around and buy my the $500 option of the item I chose- It’s annoying.

As far as reasons for not coming go… I accept that one Aunt is having surgery. That’s a huge deal. I also accept that my best friend opted not to come so that she could come when the baby is here and spend some time helping me. I appreciate that more than a quick weekend visit.

But then I find out what I can only assume is the “real” reason for most of them not coming and frankly- I AM PISSED.

My cousin is also pregnant. She’s due a week or two before me. Her godmom (my Dad’s girlfriend) accidentally mentioned that she ALSO had chosen the 21st. UHM…say what?!

I know for a fact that her shower was not planned until after mine. When invites were sent out there was no mention of conflicting dates. Something I had checked with Dad’s GF before. Plus she had also had me invite my cousin and her mom. This is also her second baby. She’s having another girl and her other daughter is under 3 so it’s not like she hasn’t been there, done that and bought the whole store already…..

Every no I get now is a slap in the face to me. She’s on the east coast so you can pretty much bet where everyone is actually going to be. Even my dad and his lady. Nice right?

I’m trying to focus on the positive that my hub’s side of the family will be there. I don’t know how to be not selfish and upset by all of this though.

—–

On a side note. I FINALLY received a call from the urologist in regards to my monster stones. They of course want me to come in. It only took them 2 weeks to call me back.

I answered a ton of questions and have to print out a huge stack of paperwork to take. While we were scheduling my appointment I couldn’t help but bang my head on the desk. After stating several times that my current due date is April 2nd and that I would only be able to go to a certain location as it’s the one my insurance is cool with AND happens to be half a block from my home…the receptionist puts me on hold to see what date she can give me. She comes back with-

5 minutes on hold..
R: I can fit you in March 31st!
Me: Uh, I’m due April 2nd. I would really rather not schedule it that soon- ya know… in case?
R: Oh.. really? oh right.. please hold!
9 minutes on hold later….
R: Okay! I can put you in with Dr so and so in the blah blah location! (a location NOT approved and one that happens to be an hours drive away..)
Me: *insert long sigh and repetition of basically everything I had already told her and explained*
R: Oh.. okay.. oh boy.ONE MINUTE!
On hold 5 minutes..
R: Okay! I can get you in with Dr H on March 3rd! If that works I can pull up times!
Me: Yes! Thank you!
R: Okay.. never mind.. I can get you in with Dr C on the second though and this is the ONLY time available….

At that point I was so frustrated I just took the appointment. Meanwhile my OB put this in as an urgent appointment. I’m glad it’s just kidney stones and not something life threatening to me or the baby! Sheeeesh!

Who wants to bring me ice cream?!