Losing Weight, but Not Losing ME

This is something I struggle with every time I start on this journey. I start with these super strict rules and ideas. In the beginning it works. Towards the middle I start to rebel against all my chains. I begin to feel like I’m losing myself as a person with all the rules I’ve set.

The thing is, I WANT to be healthy, happy and fit. The problem is inside me. It’s the way I was raised, the habits I formed and the ideas in my own head that are my own worst enemy.

As we know, back in the end of July I had a lot of struggles- mentally and physically. If I’m totally honest, I gave up. I just stopped.

But here’s the difference between all those other times and now- I accept my failures and I’m working through them one at a time. I have a tendency to want results NOW. I pile on a million changes that I simply can not handle. So.. that needs to change.

This month I embraced that change had to happen again. This time I’m not overloading myself with too much at once. I believe in baby steps. This week has been all about really looking at the food I’m preparing. Am I deluding myself into thinking something is healthy when in reality it isn’t? Probably. I took some time to refine a lot of my recipes and ideas.

– Less sugar- I don’t use sugar as a rule. However we all know there are hidden sugars in many natural things we eat. I’ve also taken steps to lower my use of artificial sweeteners.

– Change those carbs and fats- I’m working on learning and swapping good fats into my diet. I’ve also been working to change complex carbs to be my only carbs, mostly.

-Eat Clean

These are all things I know. I know this is a life style and for me it will always be a constant uphill battle. My FIL has issues with alcohol. They stem back a long time and he was finally able to control his demons and become a clean and sober person. During a period he had a Doctor who said he could consider working alcohol back into his system. I was pretty floored by this doctor. A medical professional telling a patient that he could go back to his demons. I was pretty judgemental in my head about this. Then I realized I was no better than him. I am a person that likes rich foods. I enjoy “treats”. My problem is that I can’t control them. Telling me I can eat everything I want in moderation is basically like handing a junkie a syringe and telling him he can only use 1/4 of what you gave him- doesn’t happen.

So, I’m trying to work this all out while still being true to myself. No more fronts, no more masks, no more lies.


I also wanted to talk about another subject.

I’ll start off by saying I am not a die hard “Biggest Loser” fan. I generally don’t care about TV stuff, so it’s never been a favorite. I have, however, been a fan of Jillian Michaels. As many of you in the process of getting healthy may have seen, there was a big ol’ scandal with Miss Michaels recently. Girlfriend broke the rules of the show and gave her contestants caffeine pills without doctor approval.

She stands by her decision, but I have mixed reviews on this subject. She claims they are so much safer than lots of coffee. Here’s my deal. 1. She broke the rules and doesn’t really seem to care. 2. She knowingly hurt her team in the scheme of things. 3. I get that this is a whole publicity stunt to garner some possibly needed boosts in ratings.

I think what shocks me is her lack of caring. Also, caffeine pills are AWFUL. In my younger, and more stupid, years I took those types of pills. Often it was because I didn’t have enough stamina to make it through a hectic life style. Or simply because I wanted to burn faster and stay awake until insane hours of the night. But here’s the problem. You crash and crash hard, OR you need a downer for that upper. As an overweight person taking these I had nasty reactions. I would feel my chest POUNDING even in a sedentary state. I would push myself to the point of making myself ILL when I went to the gym. I had mood alterations- going from a generally calm person to shaking and nearly manic. Sorry, that’s not safe, AT ALL.

I was a hard core lover of JM. I saw some cool results on her shred but never felt like I could keep up. I feel like this incident has burst my bubble.I’m curious what the rest of the fitness and health world thinks on this subject. Do you all take supplements, how do you feel about the way she handled things, Is there something safer out there you’d recommend? Lemme know!

Oh, today’s drill!


Breakfast: 1/2 avocado mashed + 1 large egg cooked + 1 slice whole wheat bread + 8 oz hot herbal tea

Lunch: 2 left over 1 oz meatballs + 2 cups mixed greens + oil/vinegar

Dinner: Broiled white fish with lemon and dill + 1 cups zucchini noodles

Snack: 1 medium apple & 1 Tbp natural peanut butter + 1 cup air popped popcorn & sprinkle of pumpkin pie spices

Exercise: Pretty limited-sorry. 15 minute workout including 5 min cardio, 5 minutes Strength, 5 minute abs. I repeated this twice. I’m not using a video or guide. I’ve taken moves that I have seen to improve my body in the past, a good play list, some weights & resistance bands and a pillow for the floor. I’ve been doing this for the past week every other day. On my days off I’ve focused on specific areas of my body.

This is a shirt I need for my cardio portion. I’m trying to run a bit.. it’s.. well it’s a funny thing.



One thought on “Losing Weight, but Not Losing ME

  1. Hi, I love your blog!
    Great post!! I haven’t been keeping up with TBL this season but I have heard about JM scandal. I’m not sure what to think of it, however I still love her videos and the results I get. I can’t imagine being a contestant on that show b/c they make you work out literally allll day long. Don’t let it change your view on her workout videos! =) Good luck and I look forward to see your progress along the way!


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