Accountability

Hey y’all.

I’m feeling super blue lately. My attempts at being healthy and losing weight are backfiring at every turn these days.

If I’m honest, I feel like I’ve stopped trying. I have no one holding me accountable, except myself, and hey, I can easily lie to myself most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends and family. They are super awesome at telling me I look good, or telling me to keep going, but it sort of stops there. My emotional safety net is thin at best.

Not so surprisingly, this stems back to my childhood. All my life, I was bigger than all of my friends. I gained a lot of weight because I would eat like them, forgetting that my body didn’t work like theirs. They’d eat a platter of buffalo chicken tenders and bemoan a sore tummy, I’d eat one and gain 3 pounds. The few times I endorsed physical exercise was a waste of everyone’s time and money. We had a super great gym, I’d go ready to bust my butt, and my skinny friends would lounge around or flirt with all the gym boys. I’d end up gross and smelly and finally got tired of being the only one. You see the pattern here?

I was a follower, for sure. What they did, I did. If they thought something, I figured it must be true. It took me a LONG time to grow out of that habit. Unfortunately the breaking of the habit spiralled into a “Screw You” attitude. If they said I was fat, they were wrong. If they said I needed to be more careful with my choices, they didn’t know me.

That leads to present day. I’ve lived in a world of denial for WAY too long. It’s gotten out of hand. I’m always amazed when I see a picture of myself and I feel like I have no idea who that fat blob is. My avoidance bubble is huge.

When I started this journey I wanted to find like minded people and situation. Unfortunately I watched others zoom by me while I struggled. I joined groups, forums, websites, facebook pages, whatever to find connections. I hoped to find people who would support me, and me support them. I had a smattering of folks in the beginning, but most of them gave up or were already nearing the end of their own journey. No one was holding me accountable. I wasn’t holding myself accountable because I felt like if no one else cared, why should I?

It’s a vicious cycle. The need for a support group, yet the urge to forge your own path.

Another major setback is the lack of people in my area. I’ve tried finding groups around me and there aren’t any or I just don’t know how to find them. I have very few female friends here and those I do have consist of family members and the wives of Hubster’s friends. My hubster is great, but well, he’s a guy. He’s faster and stronger. He works long hours and is tired. I can’t afford a gym

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I needed to rant. I needed to say, “Hey! I could use a little help”. A kick in the butt.

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Fat Girl Issues

Ya’ll.

Why don’t they make bras for big bellies? LOL

I upped my game to a short little run today. I just wanted to see if I could. I did. It was super short and probably laughable, but I ran a solid 15 minutes.

I cursed the whole time in my head.

What I noticed:

My breathing blows- literally. I huff and puff. I need a better breathing technique. How am I an adult that needs to learn how to breath? Thanks asthma.

By blobby belly bounces. I had my sorts bra on, so my itty bitties were locked down, but my stomach was like a whole different story. It bobbed, sagged and bounced until I literally threw up from all the sloshing around in there. It was like my stomach was trying to be a boxer, bobbing and weaving.

How do you all handle this, or did handle when you were bigger?

Losing Weight, but Not Losing ME

This is something I struggle with every time I start on this journey. I start with these super strict rules and ideas. In the beginning it works. Towards the middle I start to rebel against all my chains. I begin to feel like I’m losing myself as a person with all the rules I’ve set.

The thing is, I WANT to be healthy, happy and fit. The problem is inside me. It’s the way I was raised, the habits I formed and the ideas in my own head that are my own worst enemy.

As we know, back in the end of July I had a lot of struggles- mentally and physically. If I’m totally honest, I gave up. I just stopped.

But here’s the difference between all those other times and now- I accept my failures and I’m working through them one at a time. I have a tendency to want results NOW. I pile on a million changes that I simply can not handle. So.. that needs to change.

This month I embraced that change had to happen again. This time I’m not overloading myself with too much at once. I believe in baby steps. This week has been all about really looking at the food I’m preparing. Am I deluding myself into thinking something is healthy when in reality it isn’t? Probably. I took some time to refine a lot of my recipes and ideas.

– Less sugar- I don’t use sugar as a rule. However we all know there are hidden sugars in many natural things we eat. I’ve also taken steps to lower my use of artificial sweeteners.

– Change those carbs and fats- I’m working on learning and swapping good fats into my diet. I’ve also been working to change complex carbs to be my only carbs, mostly.

-Eat Clean

These are all things I know. I know this is a life style and for me it will always be a constant uphill battle. My FIL has issues with alcohol. They stem back a long time and he was finally able to control his demons and become a clean and sober person. During a period he had a Doctor who said he could consider working alcohol back into his system. I was pretty floored by this doctor. A medical professional telling a patient that he could go back to his demons. I was pretty judgemental in my head about this. Then I realized I was no better than him. I am a person that likes rich foods. I enjoy “treats”. My problem is that I can’t control them. Telling me I can eat everything I want in moderation is basically like handing a junkie a syringe and telling him he can only use 1/4 of what you gave him- doesn’t happen.

So, I’m trying to work this all out while still being true to myself. No more fronts, no more masks, no more lies.

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I also wanted to talk about another subject.

I’ll start off by saying I am not a die hard “Biggest Loser” fan. I generally don’t care about TV stuff, so it’s never been a favorite. I have, however, been a fan of Jillian Michaels. As many of you in the process of getting healthy may have seen, there was a big ol’ scandal with Miss Michaels recently. Girlfriend broke the rules of the show and gave her contestants caffeine pills without doctor approval.

She stands by her decision, but I have mixed reviews on this subject. She claims they are so much safer than lots of coffee. Here’s my deal. 1. She broke the rules and doesn’t really seem to care. 2. She knowingly hurt her team in the scheme of things. 3. I get that this is a whole publicity stunt to garner some possibly needed boosts in ratings.

I think what shocks me is her lack of caring. Also, caffeine pills are AWFUL. In my younger, and more stupid, years I took those types of pills. Often it was because I didn’t have enough stamina to make it through a hectic life style. Or simply because I wanted to burn faster and stay awake until insane hours of the night. But here’s the problem. You crash and crash hard, OR you need a downer for that upper. As an overweight person taking these I had nasty reactions. I would feel my chest POUNDING even in a sedentary state. I would push myself to the point of making myself ILL when I went to the gym. I had mood alterations- going from a generally calm person to shaking and nearly manic. Sorry, that’s not safe, AT ALL.

I was a hard core lover of JM. I saw some cool results on her shred but never felt like I could keep up. I feel like this incident has burst my bubble.I’m curious what the rest of the fitness and health world thinks on this subject. Do you all take supplements, how do you feel about the way she handled things, Is there something safer out there you’d recommend? Lemme know!

Oh, today’s drill!

Today:

Breakfast: 1/2 avocado mashed + 1 large egg cooked + 1 slice whole wheat bread + 8 oz hot herbal tea

Lunch: 2 left over 1 oz meatballs + 2 cups mixed greens + oil/vinegar

Dinner: Broiled white fish with lemon and dill + 1 cups zucchini noodles

Snack: 1 medium apple & 1 Tbp natural peanut butter + 1 cup air popped popcorn & sprinkle of pumpkin pie spices

Exercise: Pretty limited-sorry. 15 minute workout including 5 min cardio, 5 minutes Strength, 5 minute abs. I repeated this twice. I’m not using a video or guide. I’ve taken moves that I have seen to improve my body in the past, a good play list, some weights & resistance bands and a pillow for the floor. I’ve been doing this for the past week every other day. On my days off I’ve focused on specific areas of my body.

This is a shirt I need for my cardio portion. I’m trying to run a bit.. it’s.. well it’s a funny thing.

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Out with the New, In with the Old

I know, backwards, but…

This past weekend we cancelled out Costco membership. I won’t go into the why’s- you can or already did read my past post on that! What I will say is, I feel free. I was SO unhappy with my membership. We went on Friday to cancel and I feel like my decision was a smart one.

What happened to the age old saying “The customer is always right”? Granted there are people who use and abuse this saying, a lot. But there are also those times when the customer might actually have a point, and acting in denial towards them is rude.When we got to the store we had the same man who signed us up. Fitting I suppose. We listed our numerous reasons (when asked) for not wanting to continue our membership. In mid-sentence he cut me off to list the reasons *I* was wrong. I loved that one. He quoted some nonsense he had read and then ended with , “so to say such and such about our product.. well you’re wrong”. I looked up and could only  offer a glare. Honestly, his interruption was annoying, his attitude rude and then to turn around and say something like that pretty much was his kiss of death. I mean, if you are about to possibly lose a customer and it is your JOB to try and keep me, telling me I’m wrong in a snotty tone is pretty much the WRONG thing to do. If I was wrong, I would have simply gone on my way, but to be corrected.. over something that had nothing to do with my initial reason.. well NO, just NO. Also, telling me that I had probably eaten numerous recalled items and had not had the sense to pay attention in the past is downright a stupid tactic.

So, Out with Costco, in with Sam’s Club.

Costco gave us our membership back in cash. We took that cash to Sam’s, renewed our old membership, got new cards, browsed the store and got gas in about the same amount of time I’d spent waiting for gas at Costco. I also, upon browsing, discovered that I was paying a total of $25 dollars extra for the exact same products.

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For whatever reason this righteous anger I had towards Costco has fueled my fire for health! I’ve got so many healthy fun meals planned this week. We are enjoying tons of fresh veggies, squashes and lean meats. I’ve always used sugar substitutes but I am trying to really cut our any and all sweets. It’s such an unnecessary thing!

Even my Christmas this this year looks totally unlike me. It’s full of exercise equipment and the like!

I am trying so hard to not worry about Holiday gain. My MIL is doing Thanksgiving this year, so I’ve had a bit of a say in the menu. I think sticking to the basics this season is going to be a HUGE help. Last year we went to a large gathering and there was SO much food. I felt super deprived and took teeny portions of everything. I was STARVING the whole day with piles of food around me. Hopefully this year will be better. I’ll be hosting Christmas Eve this year. It’s bizarre, but I almost feel nervous. I’ve never actually hosted an “event”. I’m pretty bad at entertaining and I almost never know what to serve or do. I’m doing a lot of planning ahead this year.

Do you all have any healthy favourites you do for the holidays? I’d love some ideas. I was considering veggie platters, and a meat and cheese platter. I feel like these are things that can be easily customized. If you want to go crazy with dips, cheese and breads- you can. Or not. I’m also going to be bad and bust out my great grandmother’s cook book for some fun cookies, perhaps. I know- it’s only early November but I’ve always been someone who plans ahead. I generally do only one big shop every month or two, aside from the basics each week. SO planning way in advance is a must for me.  *SOS* hahah send help

Hope everyone is doing well out there!

Costco vs Sam’s Club

Wow.. a twofer today ya’ll!

So.. Costco vs Sam’s Club. Let’s get down with it!

My family has been members with Sam’s Club (SC) for year. There were times we hardly used it and then there were times we went insane.

When my husband and I got hitched, we got our own SC account because it was the only warehouse store near us. We were trying to live the healthy life and staying away from processed foods. This membership allowed me to buy huge quantities of meats and veggies for a much lower price. I was saving about $50 a week in fresh produce.

In the past 3 years we have moves numerous times but kept our SC account. Until this most recent move. The SC we used before was fine. Busy, but fine. It was just an extra 15 minute drive as opposed to Costco in the center of the shopping district near us. We snuck in and took our own tour of Costco before making our decision. I remember that day so clearly. We walked out, somewhat in awe. The lines were fast, the organic produce plentiful and the location close. We were at the end of out SC renewal and decided to roll with Costco. We’d been interested in slightly better produce we’d heard about at Costco.

I’d heard all these amazing things about Costco from fellow bloggers. I’d read dozens of reviews and articles. Ya’ll… I feel like I’ve been totally mislead. TOTALLY.

Costco has it’s good stuff, as I mentioned a bit above. However, the price was higher to join. I knew this going in, so it’s not a total complaint. I figured I would save the difference in spent gas alone. I have to say..

I HATE COSTCO. HATE IT.

Hate is a pretty strong word, but..ya’ll.. GAHHH!

I wanted to have all these amazing things to tell you about from Costco, but it’s been nothing but HELL.

First of all, you can’t use credit. This sucks because I get cash back from my bank on credit purchases. Meaning the extra $25 I got a month is now gone. Secondly, the prices are HIGHER. now shopping at both stores, I’ve done price compares on simple things like frozen veggies, fresh fruit and meat. I’m paying an average of $3-5 higher. It might not seem like a big deal but when you are buying large amounts, that $5 adds up QUICK.

Returns? More like SHAMING. I purchased something, realized it was wrong and took it back before I even left the parking lot. The man behind the counter basically shamed me to death. He was so rude, loud and obnoxious to me. I stated that I had read they had a 100% return policy. He snorted and said “On certain things, once it leaves here- it’s useless to us. Look at all your waste”. I was pretty dumbfounded because I’d read the policy, the items were still in original packaging and I had purchased it less than 10 minutes before. DOUCHE

Gas savings? Guess what? At SC, I never waited more than 1 or 2 cars for gas. At Costco people have NO idea what they are doing. They don’t seem to care what side their tank is on. There have been times where we have been cut off or held up because some bimbo has to stretch the pump across her BMW. We’ve made complaints and the guy laughed and said that’s what he does too. I mean really? Last week we waited 45 minutes for gas. We probably wouldn’t have, but the price was 28 cents cheaper than anywhere close. The woman in front of us locked her keys in her car. The man in front of HER, lost his card and walked back, thus blocking us from pulling up to pump. It’s so insanely frustrating, especially when we later drove by, saw the same price at SC and only 4 cards in the whole gas area.

The final straw? Since we have joined, there have been NUMEROUS recalls on our food. I think the one that killed me was a recall on a fresh meal item we had bought. They called us 2 WEEKS after it had been purchased and eaten to tell us it was contaminated with listeria. SERIOUSLY. I guess I’m lucky I didn’t get sick.. or ya know… die?

Overall I am completely unsatisfied.

DO any of you Costco folks know their policy for cancelling a membership? Do I get my money back? I’ve heard yes in some areas but a search of their site has led me to no answers at all. Any help?

 

Time Flies!

Y’all, it’s been a time and a half!

I survived Halloween with NO issues at all. My biggest complaint was that we got NO kiddos. How depressing, huh? We live in an apartment building, which was a first for me. I spent some time earlier that day wandering around to get a clue on what, if anything, others did for kids. I figured there would be something, we have 7 kiddos alone on our floor and I know of at least 4 others. I only saw one house that left a pile of candy next to their door. I decided to leave the door open with the door decorated and a big old bowl of candy. Not one. Oh well! I hid the offensive candy bowl from myself and hubby and have not been tempted by it yet. Progress?

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Next event of life was my birthday! I want to say I did pretty good here as well! I had received offers of Blizzards from Dairy Queen, pastries from Panera and sugar drinks from Caribou. I didn’t accept! We had a lovely breakfast out that morning. A special treat- I really wanted pumpkin pancakes before they went away. It ended up being weird because they ran out! Figures! They scraped together a little bit of batter to make me something that was more like a crape. Lol. Sometimes I swear the universe is more interested in my health than I am. Though it was super sweet of our favorite waitress to try so hard! We spent the day our and about. I got a surprise gifty too!

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I have been reading Allie’s blog for years. She is HILARIOUS. If you haven’t heard of her since she became ‘famous’, you live under a rock. We saw this when we made a pit stop and I went totally fan girl. Hubster grabbed it for me!

I even snagged a cute little mascara and highlighter set from Sephora for my Birthday too! I love the words ‘free’ and ‘gift’!

The evening was rounded out by a trip to my favorite Mexican place. Our super cool waiter was not there, but it was a still a great night! Mmmm chicken fajitas.

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So you’ve seen my first gift. I also got some new baking dishes from my MIL. She came over for cake that night. She knows how much I love to cook, so I was SUPER stoked!  Hubster also got me a new case for my Kindle. It has a book light on it that draws power from the kindle itself! LOVE!!! Since we’ve moved I no longer force him to sleep with the overhead light on while my insomnia kicks in, but the ability to read at night or in the car without bothering anyone is.. AWESOME! And then he topped that gift with…

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THIS! The Spirelli! I have been bemoaning my need of one for.. MONTHS. One of my biggest downfalls is pasta noodles. I’ve been searching for an alternative and have seen these babies popping up all over. I wanted one, BAD. Hubster finally tracked one down, and VOILA! It is so insanely simple to use. I’ve already used it every day this week.

I’ve been working on weekly meal plans now. I’m trying to pre-plan and get ahead of myself. My husband is already losing his tummy, which is his epic hate zone. He burns tons of calories at work, so having healthy filling meals and less need to grab sugar drinks is helping him a lot. The only exercise he gets is 10 hrs on his feet working machines all day. His arms are crazy strong, but his belly is not- it’s shrinking!

I haven’t been so lucky. I did love 1.5 lbs this week. SO that’s something?I need to get back into some of the better habits. I’ve been eating  3 meals and 1-2 small snacks a day, but I still find myself wanting to snack at night. I suppose  lot of this has to do with having some not so good snacks in the house. I’m glad they are finally gone!

I’ve also been getting some more exercise in. I haven’t been walking on the weekdays. I have some ready excuses for that one! 1. It snowed-I fall on flat dry surfaces… so.. snow = hell. 2. I don’t know my new neighborhood. I know, i know, ‘No time like the present!”. – I just don’t want to set out, get stranded or end up some place I shouldn’t. Also, there are a lot of rich people in the hood. I feel like if they saw some random fat chick plugging along, they might think I’m casing their homes. LOL. I’ll be better at this!

I have, however, been getting some interval training in. I’ve got weights, x bands, cardio videos and a thick blanket for crunches in my spare room, where my PC is. I like to catch up on old tv shows during my free time. I’ve been turning the shows on and getting down to business while I watch or listen to music. I like to switch it up, so I’ve been doing different workout styles- yoga, pilates, WODs I’ve found from others, dance. Whatever works. I don’t see any bodily difference, but I feel more alert. This is going to happen!!!

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My fav lunch at the moment. Double Protein Bread + 1/3 avocado + 2 slices reduced sodium ham & Zucchini noodles lightly sautéed in  garlic. Lunches are generally my larger meals of the day. It’s super filling and leaves me less likely to want constant snacks..

Oh.. and THIS Happened…

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Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? I’m not ready yet?! I don’t even have an actual coat! AHH

haha, hope you all are doing well