I’m feeling super blue lately. My attempts at being healthy and losing weight are backfiring at every turn these days.
If I’m honest, I feel like I’ve stopped trying. I have no one holding me accountable, except myself, and hey, I can easily lie to myself most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends and family. They are super awesome at telling me I look good, or telling me to keep going, but it sort of stops there. My emotional safety net is thin at best.
Not so surprisingly, this stems back to my childhood. All my life, I was bigger than all of my friends. I gained a lot of weight because I would eat like them, forgetting that my body didn’t work like theirs. They’d eat a platter of buffalo chicken tenders and bemoan a sore tummy, I’d eat one and gain 3 pounds. The few times I endorsed physical exercise was a waste of everyone’s time and money. We had a super great gym, I’d go ready to bust my butt, and my skinny friends would lounge around or flirt with all the gym boys. I’d end up gross and smelly and finally got tired of being the only one. You see the pattern here?
I was a follower, for sure. What they did, I did. If they thought something, I figured it must be true. It took me a LONG time to grow out of that habit. Unfortunately the breaking of the habit spiralled into a “Screw You” attitude. If they said I was fat, they were wrong. If they said I needed to be more careful with my choices, they didn’t know me.
That leads to present day. I’ve lived in a world of denial for WAY too long. It’s gotten out of hand. I’m always amazed when I see a picture of myself and I feel like I have no idea who that fat blob is. My avoidance bubble is huge.
When I started this journey I wanted to find like minded people and situation. Unfortunately I watched others zoom by me while I struggled. I joined groups, forums, websites, facebook pages, whatever to find connections. I hoped to find people who would support me, and me support them. I had a smattering of folks in the beginning, but most of them gave up or were already nearing the end of their own journey. No one was holding me accountable. I wasn’t holding myself accountable because I felt like if no one else cared, why should I?
It’s a vicious cycle. The need for a support group, yet the urge to forge your own path.
Another major setback is the lack of people in my area. I’ve tried finding groups around me and there aren’t any or I just don’t know how to find them. I have very few female friends here and those I do have consist of family members and the wives of Hubster’s friends. My hubster is great, but well, he’s a guy. He’s faster and stronger. He works long hours and is tired. I can’t afford a gym
Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I needed to rant. I needed to say, “Hey! I could use a little help”. A kick in the butt.