Well then..

Hey y’all. I apologize for being MIA lately. Things have been beyond crazy these recent weeks. That’s not an excuse.. it’s an opener to my long explanation.

So..Before I get to all the heavy stuff, let’s discuss my normal food and exercise a bit.

Food for thought:

In the past 2 weeks my food has been spot on! I’ve been really proud of this. I’ve experimented tons, read lots of meal plan ideas and spent more money on groceries for just me, than I normally do combined! Via la healthy options! There were omelettes filled with veggies, salads full of fun crunchy, tasty options, and even meatless meals! I got over my aversion to meatless and had some really neat ideas. I was well within my calorie range- even bringing my calories up to a more recommended level. I was essentially starving before and didn’t even know it! I lowered my intake of fat, cholesterol, sodium, carbohydrates and sugars. I was essentially a rock star.

Exercise: I didn’t do so great in this department. The heat has been unbearable to the point of making myself sick. 10 minutes in what felt like 100 degrees was a deal breaker. My whole plan of walking to the gym I found got murdered when I realized I would have to walk over 2 miles to and from the gym in this weather. The AC in our room doesn’t really work either- so in short I walked my 20-30 minutes a day during the week days, got in more walking time indoors on the weekends and spent some time learning some new exercise options.

I’ve even shown some changes in weight. Sometimes not trying so hard can be helpful to a stress-er like myself.


And now for the heavy stuff.

July 13th, after feeling pretty crappy for a while, I jokingly took a pregnancy test. I say jokingly because if you had read a few posts ago about my visit to the doctor, they had ran a standard pregnancy test that had come out negative.  You can imagine my face when my test came out POSITIVE. I literally went into a catatonic state. I decided my test was defective so I took another, and then dragged my husband out to buy another one. The original two were old ones, ya know? So when I sat staring at four yes sticks, I still didn’t believe. Off to the doctor we went. They thought I was a hoot.

We obviously kept this very quiet. We told my MIL, as she would be assisting me in some of my visits while my husband had to work. I told my best friend because I was about to explode. I scheduled an appointment at my clinic. My first visit was a mess of stress, fear and excitement. I was positive someone would come out and yell, “HAHA!!! Gatcha!”. This was SO not happening to me! Aside from a battery of tests and an overzealous nurse, things went pretty well. They confirmed that I was indeed going to hopefully have a baby. They scheduled me for a follow up on some tests and an ultrasound for June 25th.

For a week, I accepted and adapted. I took better care of my eating. I modified everything in my exercise plan according to my doctor’s recommendations. I stressed because a few of my tests were a bit iffy in results. I didn’t want to be one of those fat chicks who had high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. Turns out, I don’t. I just had performance anxiety when it comes to doctor visits and tests. UGH.

July 23rd. I woke up that morning with some spotting. I’d had this before and my doctor wasn’t worried. The triage nurse happened to call that day so I passed the info along, they only wanted me to call back if it became heavier. Cool. This was when I went through a few early stages of total freak out. I cried, I laughed at myself, I sat and talked to the tiny being that was supposed to be safely tucked away. My early afternoon my spotting went from brown to reddish brown with more frequency. The clinic suggested I come in to have my hCG levels tested. Hubster left work to take me. They sent me home when they were done. We watched a movie while I tired not to freak out.

Almost immediately after the movie ended my nurse called again. My hCG levels were spot on and I would keep my Thursday appointment to recheck. I was told if I had anything like a full on  period blood or cramps to go to such and such ER. I hung up and went back to normal life. We were discussing the results and I had to potty. Guys, it wasn’t good. Hubster packed me up and carted me off to the ER at that point.

I have to say this hospital did NOT impress me at all. It was called Mercy Hospital, and was the one my clinic is associated with. I already had an aversion to places with this name, as another Mercy hospital in another state was where my mom went for the first time and died. SO yeah. Name hate. This hospital was SO small. The lobby was basically the waiting room of the ER with a small side desk for non ER patients. Their set up was all wrong. It took a half hour before someone even took my vitals. The asked a million questions and got me so stressed that I nearly blew up the BP machine. After they had tagged me, they sent me back out the the waiting room. The triage nurse said she was going to call an OB and see if they even wanted to see me. Okay then…

An hour and a half later, with absolutely NO conversation I was finally called into a room. The room wasn’t even ready! They were still cleaning it from the last person. I stood in a corner while they finished and waited. I was given a gown that was so small the back didn’t close. Things started to move quickly when 5 minutes later a nurse came in. I had to shuffle off to another room. They’d put me in the wrong section. So I shuffled, with my husband holding my gown closed in vain. HA.

Almost immediately a nurse, a doctor, a ultra sound lab tech AND some other random person came flooding in. It was chaos of who got me first. I briefly met a doctor that reminded me of some movie character or actor. Then I was immediately carted off for my ultrasound. I liked the lab tech. She was very nice and funny. I needed that. She got me a bigger gown and got me comfortable. Once she’d finished I was shipped back off to my room. They sent in someone to test my blood again and set me up on a heart monitor and automatic BP check. Within minutes of being left in silence my BP was back into absolutely rock star limits. Whew.

2 hours(almost 5 hours all total), no food and some bad tv later I was no longer digging the silence. I was tired, hungry and getting super cranky. Finally the doctor came back. He offered me a lot of bullshit. They didn’t know what to classify me as, my hCG levels were less than they thought, which they thought meant I was actually earlier than originally deemed. My tubes looked clear so no ectopic pregnancy. My uterus looked empty. Empty. Which he tried to assure me could mean, combined with my hCG levels that I was just way too early. Or I had miscarried already. Being my usual pessimistic self I chose door number 2. You just KNOW. I didn’t feel right and I just felt like I knew.

I went back to the doctor on July 25th and the confirmed what I already knew- My baby was gone. I must be a master of level drops. I’m almost already back to normal ranges.So for exactly 10 days, I knew had a baby inside me. For 10 days I had this amazing feeling that women get. I was going to be a mommy. I lived in a constant state of cautious excitement. I tried really hard not to get my hopes up. Things happen… clearly. I wanted this so much. It was not to be. If I hear that phrase again, I will probably punch the person in the face. I don’t really care that it’s supposed to help, telling me it wasn’t my fault, wasn’t meant to be, was gods plan or something equal to that- really doesn’t do anything more than boil my blood. It would have been pretty cool to share as the end of my first trimester would have been around our wedding anniversary this year. Oh wells. I’m just glad we didn’t share it with a lot of people.

With that said- I need a break right now. I have nothing to say or report for the moment. I think I might pack up for a few days and take a vacation down south to see some family. That might be nice. We’ll see.

Thanks for listening.


2 thoughts on “Well then..

  1. Hey Jess, it’s so nice to hear from you – I was really missing your posts. That said, I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. My heart breaks for you. I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better, but I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean a lot! It has certainly been a weird and sad time for us here! I didn’t want to let everyone think I had just given up on things! Hopefully once I return to normal and am given the “OKay”, I can get back to kickin it! I’ve noticed you’ve had some good progress yourself girl! Keep rocking!

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