Fears

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I think one of the hardest parts for me getting healthy is the reactions of other people.

I try SO hard not to care, but I usually fail! My self confidence tank is on empty. When I’m out eating and I’m served by a young skinny girl I feel pathetic. Sometimes I try to imagine what they must think of me. Other don’t even bother to hide their disgust. Male wait staff- same deal. I’m really happily married so I don’t need flirting to make me feel confident. But It would be nice for a decent looking male waiter to I don’t know.. Look at me? Big girls, you know this. You are at a table with some skinny folk/ your other half/by yourself . The waiter comes up and somehow avoids looking at you the entire time. I always try to make eye contact with people. It let’s them know I’m observant and care enough, but sometimes I get that glazed “I wish I was serving that table of hot coeds”. When I’m out walking I don’t feel too much shame. I’m out there!!! I haven’t made a big play for the gym because I don’t have a way to get there, but I also don’t want to go to a skinny infested place either. When I run, I look up and down the street and make sure no one is doing yard work or going to drive by. I don’t want them to laugh at me.

As the weeks go on, I’ve been feeling more confident. So many people have been encouraging. At my cousin’s wedding I actually bonded with all my skinny cousins over weight loss issues. They were really cool about sharing their own issues and loves. Then last night I saw something that really upset me.

We were getting gas and as I waited I saw this woman. She was very over weight, wearing old baggy clothes and She pushed a shopping cart. Clearly she didn’t have a car and she had way too many bags. I get it. The thing was? She was power walking and every few seconds she would run full out a few feet. I got this odd proud mama moment. I was like “You go girl!”. Until some assholes drove by. They slowed their car along her side and rolled down their windows. They then proceeded to mockingly laugh at her and point. Those HAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAA’s are my BIGGEST fear.

As a rational adult I know that I shouldn’t care about the haters and the negative Nancy’s. But come on. It’s hard not to wonder what other people think. I swear sometimes when I’m out and I see a group of people and hear a chortle of laughter- I always assume it’s someone making fun of me. I need to get out of that mind set.

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On another note- today is Day 2 of Shred. I’m trying not to throw a temper tantrum. In the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder if I should wait until I’m in better shape. But in all honesty- I’m stuck where I am. The weight isn’t just plopping off. I’m going to keep trying. It won’t be easy and I may have to modify and pause it, but I’m going to at least TRY!

Oddly enough my arms hurt last night. I woke up this morning and I was positive someone had swapped my leg muscles for heavy boulders. Holy mama, they HURT!

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Oh! Yesterday’s drill. My pictures got all messed up soooo yeah.

Breakfast: egg substitute + 2/3 laughing cow queso + mixed fruit

Lunch: small salad + 1 cup of Annie’s Kettle Corn- Salted Caramel + balsamic + 1 length of celery

Dinner: Chicken parm patty + 1/2 cup spaghetti + bruschetta

Snacks: 1 protein shake, 1 cup lightly sea salted Annie’s Popcorn

Exercise: Day 1 Shred + 10 minutes Zumba + 30 minute walk

 

Hope you all are having a productive weekend!

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