Day of Dilemmas

As I’ve said before, weekends are the hardest for me. I strive with routine. With routine I have little need to variate or stray from what I know I need to be doing. Weekends always feel like a free for all to me.

This weekend was pretty much a bust, weather wise. It has been cold, raining or sleeting pretty much non-stop. I had really hoped to get outside some, but that never really happened. I didn’t post yesterday because nothing exciting happened. Mostly I was just annoyed with people and stores.

Today we ran most of our shopping errands. I was really hoping to take advantage of the Old Navy 30% off Sale that was today only. Old Navy really let me down. I’m almost shocked at how bad my time went. I was unable to find ANY of their petite or short sized jeans. In any size. Major bummer. I like ON jeans because they fit my height and my shape. Plus as I’m changing sizes I don’t feel too bad for having spent a bundle on clothes I may not be able to wear in a few months.

The fact that I went clothes shopping at all is a miracle. I hate to shop. Always have. I have the fashion sense of a teenage boy. Most of the clothes I have are 4-5 years old. I occasionally buy one new item to either replace something when it’s worn out or if I need something for an event. I bought my first new shoes in 5 years a few weeks ago.

 We visited no less than 5 more stores around the shopping center that carried my size. Of those I found one pair of pants. I really wanted them in a dark wash but they only had my size and length in the trendy faded fabric. I considered just sucking it up until I saw $60. Hell no. Not for something that I didn’t love and planned to wear only a short time.

I had hoped to find some decent bottoms for out trip to the wedding. Imagine that I haven’t seen most of my family in 1-3 years. I was 40 lbs heavier at that time. 40 lbs. This new me wanted to show up in something cute and fashionable.

Change is hard for me. As I began to gain weight a few years ago I stuck to yoga pants or elastic waited items. I hate feeling confined. I’ve been in that phase for a long time now and it feels stuck on me. My wardrobe is mostly dark colors. 90% of the time I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt. I own exactly 5 “nice” shirts. By nice I mean they aren’t a t-shirt or cami or big sweater. God help me but.. I HAVE NO FASHION SENSE.

This is my clothing (at least what fits right now):

1 pair of jeans

2 pairs of black yoga style pants

5 “non tshirts”

6 t-shirts 3 tank tops

1 cardigan

1 black hoodie

and a handful of workout clothes that are most too big pants and ugly old tees.

It’s not that I can’t afford clothes. I can and my husband would indulge my every whim if I asked. I just hate shopping. Nothing fits. My body is always in change. I have loose skin and bulges I am not ready to see. I refuse to spend money on clothing for a body I want to change.

Shopping was a hard time for me. It was so overwhelming. The lack of selection and overzealous store clerks nearly sent me into a panic. I left today with nothing. This is one of those setbacks I have had so many times I can not even count them. There are times when this would set me in a “screw this” tailspin of failure. I would think it didn’t matter, I didn’t matter and then eat junk.

Image I will not give in. I will learn.

I swear if someone ever thought to set me up for a makeover fashion show I would do it in a heartbeat! Maybe that’s something I need to consider for when I reach my goals.

Are you a plus sized fashionista? DO you think you could take me under your wing?!

I do have one ray of hope. I plan to sign up for Gwynnie Bee next week. Rent the runway for plus sized ladies. Love. I’m hoping if it works out to get an item or two to take with me for the trip. At least I can “borrow” a cute shirt or something?!

As for my food today? I don’t even want to think about it. I had a flipping bagel for lunch.

I did however get about 1 hr 15 minutes of walking in yesterday. I got about a mile in today. AND.. I bought my weights. They aren’t great but I couldn’t find exactly what I wanted so I got these to tide me over until I have more time!

Oh and I have about 2 lbs of bloated water weight with PMS. Can this weekend be over?



One thought on “Day of Dilemmas

  1. Love the quote! And so true. Funnily enough I was just blogging re clothes and weight. I’m no fashionista, but recommend Gok Wan (stylist) for dressing for body shape. Hope it helps

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